Thanksgiving is the time of the year that true sports fans live for. A time when turkey roasts on every hearth; when most football teams still have a chance for glory; a time when even Mitt Romney and Ron Paul can think they still have a shot.
And most true, red-blooded Americans know of only one thing that can make this special American holiday time of year even more special: a much larger TV.
Since our friendly federal government has thoughtfully changed us all over to digital television, it means that our TVs can be larger, more life-like, more brilliant and far more likely to interfere with our ability to understand the English language as spoken by our spouses.
This year, in my house, this is important.
Because, I’m beginning to suspect that my wife comes into the room and talks to me periodically during the 22 hour marathon of football games and parades that I watch on any Turkey Day.
I think she’s speaking English because I recognize some of the words. And I’m pretty sure it’s my wife, although I’ve never really looked at her during this intercourse.
And yes I laughed too when I typed the word “intercourse.” (Note to self: SHE DID NOT LAUGH).
I generally respond to these exchanges with “Yeah,” “Sure,” “That’s fine,” “OK.”
Last week I think I agreed to be a liver donor at a Christian woman’s book club luncheon that was raising money for orphaned puppies in Tanzanika.
I think that’s what was said anyway. It all seems so fuzzy.
But can you blame me? It was overtime during the Redskins-Cowboys game.
This brings us to the real, familiar problem.
NOW I have to PRETEND that I AGREED to be a liver donor at a woman’s book club luncheon that is raising money for orphaned puppies in Tanzanika.
My wife will say: “Honey, you know we have that luncheon tomorrow?”
And I’ll say: “OK. Liver donor in Tanzanika,” while Alex Smith takes a sack.
My wife: “What?!!”
Me: “That’s fine.”
My wife: “Jerk!”
Of course solving this problem is now much easier thanks to the decisive federal government action on digital TV.
In this they have been helped by the Large-TV Trade Association which is thoughtfully located very near our decisive federal government and writes many large checks to our decisive government officials and even employs some of their decisive spouses.
They at least understand this problem.
If we could just make a TV large enough and dazzling enough to block out all of the distractions like spouses, telephones, barking dogs and fire hazards when watching sports on Thanksgiving Day.
Just think of the family misunderstandings we could avoid!
It would confer many benefits to society as a whole including, but in no way limited to, not having to sleep in the utility shed in the backyard at a time when frost warnings are becoming more commonplace.
I think society would be very thankful for this benefit.
I know that the part of society that is made up of: 1) me; and 2) my children would be thankful at any rate.
This brings me to my last two points:
Can anyone tell me exactly how many livers a healthy male has? And where the hell is Tanzanika?
For this information, I would be truly thankful on this Thanksgiving Day.
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