Lessons from an Anthony Weiner Roast

Posted: Jun 18, 2011 9:06 PM
Lessons from an Anthony Weiner Roast

Sin is a part of the human condition. If you don’t believe me, ride shotgun with me down I-95 during rush hour in Miami, and you’ll see me manifest more demons than Emily Rose would after 3 a.m.

Y’know, we’d all love to think that we are angels, but if the truth be told, more than likely we wouldn’t want our lives or thoughts shown on YouTube for our grandmothers to see—unless, of course, you’re Snooki and don’t give a shizzle that everyone and their dog knows that you’re a pirate hooker. Make that money, girl. Hey, if you’re going to die of alcohol poisoning and host several STDs then you might as well make some flow, eh Snook? But I digress.

I think most people get that our fleshly bents run toward the weird and that without strict discipline and divine help a lot of people would be taking pictures of their chimichanga and tweeting them over to chunky Facebookers in Seattle. Okay, maybe not.

One thing for certain, however, is that ever since idiot Eve started yapping with a flippin’ serpent while her dilatory husband stood by and picked lint from his navel, the entire human collective has fallen from a felicitous state of innocence into one whopping Jerry Springer mob. We are truly goofy and egregious goobers. As Calvin would say, we are totally depraved.

So … did it surprise me that a greasy, soulless New York congressman named Anthony Weiner would take snapshots of his junk and tweet ‘em over to some stupid dame dialoging with an obvious married freak? That answer would be H to the NO it didn’t surprise me. Any time one mixes fallen humanity and uncut narcissism with a smidge of power, a digital camera and a social network filled with unsupervised tweenage girls, you can be certain that some guy is going to post a photo of his one-eyed monster and make it his profile pic. This is the world in which we live.

Now, even though sin is to be expected, it should not be accepted unless one wants to be humiliated on TV, get one’s butt kicked by one’s pregnant Muslim wife and then, upon expiration, rot in hell for all eternity. Yes, brethren, we should crucify the flesh.

That said, aside from using certain camera angles to make things seem larger than they actually are, what can we base critters learn from Weiner’s roast? Check this out …

1. Control your sins, or they’ll control you: I guarantee that autoerotic Anthony never imagined his penchants would take him to Stupidtown. Therefore, to avoid being A. Weiner we should all bridle our carnal appetites.

2. Realize your sin will find you out: Everyone who sins in an egregious way and doesn’t die on the spot after the first fifty transgressions eventually begins to get cocky and assume that they’re going to get away with whatever they’re hiding. Ahahahaha! That’s funny.

3. When busted, own it: One thing of the many things that makes me loathe Anthony or cats like Ted Haggard is that when they get exposed for doing some stupid crap they lie, deny or blame others. I’ve found folks are generally forgiving if one falls. However, once the guilty party starts going Casey Anthony with lies and obfuscations, that’s when the collective mercy ends.

4. Know that rehab is PR and thus BS: Rehab? Puh-lease. Does anyone out there really believe that Weiner won’t be back to juggling his balls after six weeks of ink blot tests? “Daddy didn’t love me! Now where’s my camera …” And finally …

5. Understand that truly broken people aren’t camera whores.

The Anthony Weiner scandal has many lessons, ranging from not naming one’s kid Anthony Weiner to the five bullet points mentioned above. The final point that I’d like to volley into your court is this one: Experience is the best teacher—especially someone else’s experiences. So, forget that crap about learning from your mistakes, children; it is safer and more entertaining to learn from Anthony Weiner’s mistakes. Amen.

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