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OPINION

Congratulations, Brian Stelter, You’re 99 Percent Cancer-Free!

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

Watching Brain Stelter’s Twitter feed is like watching an elderly dog trying to put together and Ikea bookshelf or Wolf Blitzer try to answer a question a 10-year-old wrote about simple addition on Celebrity Jeopardy. There’s stupid, brain damages, and then there’s Blitzer on Jeopardy, which is technically clinically dead. And now we have Weeble. 

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Since the riots in Los Angeles, the Weeble has not heard a bit of left-wing propaganda he won’t parrot. I’d feel embarrassed for him if he were worth half his weight in dog excrement as a journalist – I can forgive bias if people are honest about it or conveying useful information on occasion. Stelter does none of that. It’s impressive, really, as you almost have to work harder to provide as little value to an audience as Brian does.

Tubby Venom tweeted one of his favorite riot talking points the other day, “Offline, in real-world Los Angeles, most Angelenos are having a perfectly normal day. But online, the fires and riots are still raging. Seeking clicks, clout and chaos, unvetted social media accounts are preying on fears about where last weekend’s clashes will lead...”

It’s something Democrats tried selling on Monday, with Democrat Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy, taking time away from the much younger girlfriend he left his wife and children for to appear on Morning Joe (coincidentally, with hosts who left their families for each other) and say, “People in Los Angeles over the weekend would tell you that 99 percent of them went about their day and it was pretty normal because this is not an invasion that has taken over the entire city,” like it was a profound point and not irrelevant and stupid.

Naturally, the Weeble began belching out the same talking point almost immediately

Let’s give this idiocy some perspective, shall we? If 99 percent of your home were not on fire, would you be cool with that? If you spouse were faithful 99 percent of the time, you good with that? If your doctor came in the exam room and loudly declared, “I have some good news, Brian, your tests are back and you’re 99 percent cancer-free,” would you high-five him or say something along the lines of, “I’d like to ask you some questions about that 1 percent?"

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Brian would take it, apparently, and march out of the office as the disease rotted his body (I would’ve said brain, but I don’t think cancer can survive in a vacuum). 

What a stupid argument to try to make. “Quit bitching, most of your city isn’t overrun by left-wing mutants trying to kill police, just small part of it downtown.” CHAZ/CHOP was just a tiny percentage of Seattle, way less than 1 percent, but they managed to have all manner of crime, including murder. Why did the left-wing Mayor order the “summer of love” encampment after multiple shootings when the people injured and killed were a tiny fraction of less than 1 percent of the city?

Hyper-sensitive much?

I’d like to ask Brian if there is a certain percentage of a city that has to be overrun by violent progressive Brownshirts looting stores, destroying property and trying to kill police that is the tipping point at which he would support the restoration of order through active crowd disbursement and mass arrests? There doesn’t seem to be. 

It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept, it’s possible he simply got the talking points and, like a good drone, said what was needed to help his team in their moment of need. Some hookers will do anything if you pay them enough and others will do anything because they need your $20 for crack. There is a small moral difference between the two, as one is an addict and can’t control themselves and the other is simply in it for the money, but both are gross. Brian is simply gross.

The saddest part is both of those prostitutes have the self-awareness to shower afterward; Brian isn’t even aware of the fact that he’s a hooker. 

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He has repeated some version of this line several times, each time like it just occurred to him and always like it was profound. While I don’t wish cancer on anyone, I hope someone tells Brian he needs to ask some follow-up questions should he be declared 99 percent cancer-free and cities, even liberal ones, should never tolerate even a “tiny” riot. 

Idiot.

Derek Hunter is the host of the Derek Hunter Show on WMAL in Washington, DC, and has a free daily podcast (subscribe!) and author of the book, Outrage, INC., which exposes how liberals use fear and hatred to manipulate the masses, and host of the weekly “Week in F*cking Review” podcast where the news is spoken about the way it deserves to be. Follow him on Twitter at @DerekAHunter.

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