While I really cannot stand their politics, their beliefs, or most of them as people, I do so love getting fundraising emails from Democrats. Not because I’d ever consider giving them a dime on a dare, but because they’re so damn funny. Not intentional – they’re not comedy and liberals are no longer inherently funny (watch any late-night “comedy” show and you’ll see there are no punchlines, only applause lines) – but because they’re unintentionally funny, like someone walking into a glass door not realizing it was there.
They do so effortlessly – stupidity is in their genes. The “quadruple match” scam would lead their donors to believe there is some magical way to take their $3 and turn it into $12 if they’d only give right now! That’s one of my favorites, and it must work because they do it all the time.
Another favorite is when they start off a long email with, “In a minute I’m going to ask you to donate to my campaign, but first I want to tell you why it’s so important that you give now. If you already know, you can skip the rest and donate by clicking here.” It’s like a prostitute telling their client they can skip the foreplay if they want.
And then there is the “Your record really stood out!” emails.
“Christie” something or other (I didn’t bother to look it up because to hell with them all), is the “Executive Director at the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, but it could be anyone from any of these Democratic Party groups (they all send them), sent an email Saturday under the subject line, “Your record really stood out!”
Keep in mind, my “record” is completely empty, never having even given these people the time of day, let alone money. If they’d said it stood out because I was a freeloader or a worthless Democrat I’d have some respect for that, but they can’t say anything mean about people like that, as they are the party’s bread and butter.
So, how did my record stand out? The email opens, “Hi Derek -- Christie here, Executive Director of the DSCC. When I looked through our past survey responses, I was very impressed with your enthusiasm. In fact, you were more active than 90 percent of Democrats in our database!”
Every time I’ve clicked on one of their “surveys” I’ve given the anti-Democratic Party answer – that I was voting for Trump, that I hope Democrats fail, that I hate them, and other charming responses like that. I do that because 1) it’s true, and 2) to show that their entire system has zero interest in what people clicking through it say – like if you answer that you hope all Democrats drop dead, it still takes you to the page to donate and offers only the standard boilerplate text, no matter what.
If I’m more active than 90 percent of the people they email, they’re screwed.
Of course, it’s all a lie. They’re always all lies, it’s where Democrats live.
They conclude their beg with, “We're launching a high-priority focus group that's ONLY open to Democrats who've proven their commitment to winning -- and you’re in the top 10% of Democrats who made the cut. So please, Derek, accept your invitation by taking this survey right away.”
All the questions are stupid, you’d have to be brain-damaged to think the party really thinks anything gleaned from these questions was useful in any way. However, if you’d like to “Help” them, or just see this stupidity for yourself, feel free to click here and “take the survey,” which is just a couple of pointless questions that will lead you to the donate page, no matter how you answer.
I’d apologize to “Christine” for letting her down and screwing up her “very important” data, but she’s sent me the exact same email 5 times since May 22. Literally every word in those emails is exactly the same, not even a comma change.
I get that they think their donors are dumb enough not to notice, but wouldn’t you change something just in case? Or at least so someone like me can’t notice and mock them for it?
You’d have to be worried that there was something, anything, you could do that would offend the intelligence of your supporters and, honestly, they don’t have the intelligence to offend.
