Opinion

Bruce Springsteen Sucks

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Posted: Oct 20, 2020 12:01 AM
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
Bruce Springsteen Sucks

Source: hoto by Brad Barket/Invision/AP

Ever win a bet with a friend and not been able to collect? Everyone knows a guy who owes you money but makes you feel like a jerk whenever you bring it up. Sooner or later, you just write it off and stop mentioning it. He lost the bet, but won in the long run. That’s the celebrities who promised to leave the country if Donald Trump won in 2016. The 2020 election is our chance to collect.

Maybe they didn’t get the message last time, maybe they thought we were joking? We weren’t joking. Many people, me among them, were hoping to see Barbra Streisand pack up her mansion and get the hell out of Dodge. We would have even helped her pack. But she stayed.

Other minor celebrities also swore they’d leave, but didn’t. Former comedienne Chelsea Handler said, “I did buy a house in another country just in case…so all these people that threaten to leave the country and then don’t — I actually will leave that country.” She’s still here, still inflicting her naked body on a public that doesn’t want it. It’s sexual assault as political speech.

Speaking of sexual assault, Lena Dunham is still here. She grew up violating her sister, now she’s violating everyone. Amy Schumer, Chuck’s niece, didn’t keep her promise to move to Spain. Snoop Dogg won’t leave (they have weed everywhere, dude, just go). Only Cher has a valid excuse, as we’ve yet to travel to Jupiter, where she said she’d go if Trump won. (Can’t we just skip Mars so we can speed up her departure?)

With the 2020 election looming, this mentality is back. Leftists celebrities are once again promising to flee if they don’t get their way, exposing the country to the temper tantrums these pampered divas usually reserve for personal assistants.

The latest is Bruce Springsteen.

“The Boss,” as people with bad taste in music call him, said he’d be “on the next plane” to Australia if Donald Trump is reelected. “I love Australia. Every time, we have nothing but good times down there. It’s always a treat to come. Love the people, love the geography, great place for motorcycle trips, it’s close to our hearts. If Trump is re-elected – which he will not be; I’m predicting right now he’s gonna lose – if by some happenstance he should be, I’ll see you on the next plane," Springsteen said in a recent interview.

I don’t believe he’ll actually leave, and I don’t have any feelings about Bruce Springsteen living in the United States one way or the other. I just think it’s about time we, as a country, acknowledge a universal truth: Bruce Springsteen sucks.

He doesn’t suck because of his politics, though that doesn’t help. He sucks because his music sucks. He can’t sing, and even if he could, his songs suck.

Bruce Springsteen has spent his whole career rewriting the same “story” as a song. Here’s every Springsteen song rolled into one:

Becky’s dad doesn’t approve of the guy she’s dating, probably named Johnny, but she’s not going to let that stop their love. The factory has closed or is about to, making life in this small town even tougher than it was before. The young lovers are going to meet somewhere, probably on the outskirts of town, and go off to start their lives together, even though the odds are stacked against them. (Cue the guitar or horns.)

Enough already. Bruce Springsteen is the most overrated musician in history, followed closely by Jon Bon Jovi, who apes Bruce’s style while spending more time on his hair.

Maybe it’s something about New Jersey that makes crappy musicians, I don’t know. But I do know that being lectured, lyrically or otherwise, about how rough it is out there by a multimillionaire with a guitar and a guy on the payroll whose only job is to rip the sleeves off jean jackets to make him seem “edgy” is not talent, it’s a marketing gimmick.

So please, Bruce, leave. Either way the election goes, you go.

People who love Springsteen don’t point to clever lyrics or great riffs, they always talk about how long his concerts are. That’s him trying to make up for sucking. If you charge people $100 and suck for an hour and a half, they feel ripped off. But if you suck for 3 hours, even though you sucked, people are duped into thinking they somehow made out in the deal. It’s like all-you-can-eat tofu – sure, you’ll be really full at the end, but it’s still just bean curd.

So go, Bruce. Win, lose, or draw, feel free to move out. Take the rest of your ideological celebrity friends with you. Not because of how you vote, but because you suck. And take Becky with you. She’s single again. Her father was right, that guy was a jerk. Not only did Johnny cheat on her, he liked your terrible music too. You owe her, and us, for inflicting yourself on us for 40 years. Leave.

Derek Hunter is the host of a free daily podcast (subscribe!), host of a daily radio show on WCBM in Maryland, and author of the book, Outrage, INC., which exposes how liberals use fear and hatred to manipulate the masses. Follow him on Twitter at @DerekAHunter.