As society continues to infantilize adults and indulge liberal’s weepy, self-indulgent grief over losing the presidency to Donald Trump, a new phenomenon has emerged – Democrats advising other Democrats about how to deal with Republican family members at holiday dinners.
They emerged before Thanksgiving, with tolerant progressives still weeping at their lost opportunity to rub Hillary Clinton’s pending inauguration in the faces of their conservative relatives. A month later, nothing has changed.
Perpetually stuck in the second stage of grief, liberals are carrying their hatred into Christmas. After reading one of these delicate snowflakes’ letter to an advice columnist on how to survive having three Trump-supporting members of their family over for dinner when the remaining nine family members “are stunned and ashamed of the election results,” I knew I had to help.
I don’t want to help the liberals; they’re beyond help (plus, their tears are delicious). I want to offer support and advice to any conservatives unfortunate enough to find themselves in a room with a sniveling Democrat shaking with rage at the prospect of a lifelong corrupt politician losing the White House because they wanted to celebrate how she uses the toilet.
Plus, why should your Christmas be ruined when they’re the ones who suck?
The first thing you need to do is spot your opponent. Were this a cartoon world, I’d advise you to avoid “stink lines” like those spewing from Pigpen in the Peanuts TV specials. Since it isn’t, your nose should know.
Should they succumb to pressure from Aunt Whoever and shower this week, the smell might be difficult to pick up. So be on the lookout for hemp hoodies, man-buns, gripes about being unemployed, mention of a degree in any social science or gender/ethnic studies (goes hand-in-hand with unemployment), neck tattoos and face piercings, and a dense cloud of smugness about any topic that may come up.
Spot any of these signals and…make sure you sit right next to them at dinner.
I know what you’re thinking, “But Derek, if I sit right next to them I’ll never hear the end of their whining!”
First, good. Their discomfort at being in close proximity to you will nourish your soul more than anything on the dinner table. Watch them fidget, and smile.
Second, sitting next to them means you have direct access to their ears (and eyes), if you’re wearing one of those “Make America Great Again” hats.
The only time you were ever going to hear from them again anyway was when they tried to get you to invest in their new “activist blog” or hydroponics business. Offending them this way may spare you the joy of rejecting them later, but striking while the iron is hot is what Christmas is all about, right? Ok, maybe not. Still…
As they choke down their Tofurkey and kale, constantly remark on how delicious whatever kind of meat you’re eating is. Do not serve yourself a lot when the plate is passed; just take a little so you can ask them to pass it a few more times.
Mention how whoever cooked the meal “made Christmas dinner great again.”
Swing the conversation toward the temperature somehow and talk about how you’re thinking about getting an air-conditioning unit; then talk about how you’ll probably go with a Carrier because they’re made in America. When they bark back that Carrier is still moving some jobs to Mexico, remind them of the basic math that 800 jobs is better than no jobs.
By dessert they should be micro-aggressed to the point of needing a coloring book and a safe space. When that happens, turn to them and say, “You know, I really think Bernie could’ve beaten Trump.” Have a tissue handy. Not for them, for the tears you’ll laugh yourself into once they realize you’re just messing with them.
If that’s not your speed, if it’s too passive-aggressive for you, and these little snowflakes go off on how unfair it is that Hillary is now roaming the woods alone, tell them “We won. You lost. Get over it.” If they insist on talking politics and complaining about the popular vote, the Electoral College, the FBI, Russia, or anything else, tell them it’s high time the adults were back in charge. If that doesn’t end it, saying “shut up” usually works.