It's Christmas, so...I Got Nuthin'

Posted: Dec 25, 2011 12:01 AM

It’s Christmas, and in the spirit of the season I’m inclined to avoid writing a column with my usual snarky tone. But what topic to choose? What will I be able to write 700-800 words about without mocking? Frankly, I’m not really sure.

I could look back over the week, find a news story and write about it. But that option won’t work because Republicans were out maneuvered on what is seen as their signature issue, tax cuts, by a President who would love to tax taxes in some sort of general benefits tax. And if I wrote about that I’d also have to gloss over Republican Leader in the Senate Mitch McConnell’s stabbing in the back of House conservatives in a rush to sell out. That wouldn’t be in keeping with the spirit of the season, so pass.

I thought about writing a column on how Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum AND Rick Perry all failed to submit enough signatures to qualify for the Virginia “Super Tuesday” primary in March. But that would require the suspension of disbelief to believe any of them will still be in the race in March, which isn’t very nice. True, but not nice.

I could write about Mitt Romney not ruling out a VAT “as a replacement for some part of the tax code,” but that would require me to point out how he is candidate wrapped in bubble wrap, insulating himself from challenging questions. Again, that would be mean and not in keeping with my desire to vote for a bag of empty pistachio shells over President Obama next November.

I could write about Donald Trump leaving the Republican Party and flirting with a 3rd party run for President, but that would violate my policy of avoiding writing about mop-haired shameless self-promoters who can’t pronounce the letter “H” in the word “huge.” It’s a very specific policy that hasn’t really come into play until the last few years, but it’s a policy nonetheless.

Then there was Ron Paul’s old newsletters and the mystery surrounding not only who wrote the racist, anti-Semitic diatribes in them, but his success thus far in avoiding all responsibility and serious media scrutiny over them with a simple, “I don’t know” answer. Writing about someone seeking a leadership position with a “The buck never got here” policy was done to death during the Clinton Administration, no need to revisit that here.

The death of über-jackass Kim Jong-Il was another possibility, but that’s been done to death – literally and thankfully.

Other possibilities included gas prices, Barney Frank’s man-boobs on the House floor (who knew there was still a way in which he hadn’t disgraced the House of Representatives?), everything that happened on MSNBC (including Meghan McCain calling Newt Gingrich’s wife a “mistress” while being the offspring of a “mistress” herself. My God, is she dumb!), President Obama’s photo-op shopping trip to a pet store with his dog to distract from the fact that he’s a horrible President, but all of these would not lead anywhere nice.

There was also the story about Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI) saying the First Lady has a “large posterior,” but every thought I had on the topic would not have been fit to print here (but they were good, trust me). Plus, it really doesn’t take that many words to say, “She does, but he shouldn’t have said it anyway.”

I could have written about the “Occupy” mutants, one of my favorite targets, and how this “peaceful” movement set fire to their camp in Denver as police moved in to clear them out, but a post about the mass incineration of body lice that occurred isn’t really in keeping with the Christmas spirit.

Then there was the story about the “most annoying words” people use regularly. Thought about that for a minute but, like, it really wasn’t, you know, enough for a whole column. Just sayin’, I could’ve milked it, seriously, but whatever…

None of these stories would lead to a column that embraces the season. Sure, I’m a cynical person, but even cynicism should take one day off a year. My scheduled “day off” was going to be May 28th but, as luck would have it, that’s the day the “Weinergate” story broke, which made that impossible.

Guess it’s only fitting that I choose this week for that “holiday” since Anthony Weiner and his wife welcomed a little more Weiner into their lives this week with the birth of their child. Congratulations to them! May little Jordan Zain Weiner grow up in a happy, cell phone-free home.

So that’s it, I’m out of ideas. I have nothing to write about this week. Sorry about that, it happens sometimes.

On that note, I will wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Boxing Day (for you weird Canadians reading this) and end this piece.

See you next Sunday. Go about the rest of your year.