It’s Always the Right Time to Mock Politicians

I last shared political jokes from the late-night talk shows in late February, so let’s rectify that oversight.

Here are my favorites, courtesy of the folks at News-Max.

Jay Leno

• All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.”
• Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter — because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything.
• North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyberattack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try, guys. You’re five years too late.
• According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!
• The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, “You can do that?”
• That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for.
• Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.
• The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.”
• Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.
• A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.
• The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.
• The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?”
• We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in a personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.
• Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become “The Jerry Springer Show”?
• Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.
• Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.
• Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics.

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Speaking of golf, the President has decided to change the rules of the game.

David Letterman

• Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. That’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the minibar.
• The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called Irony.gov.
• Last year there was some trouble at the White House’s Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama’s birth certificate.
• The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.

By the way, it’s good to see Anthony Weiner back in the news.  I shared some good jokes about him way back in 2011. And Dave Barry also had some amusing references to the weasel in one of his year-end reviews.

Conan

• A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don’t care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s weight. That’s mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey.
• The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.

Craig Ferguson

• Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.

Jimmy Fallon

• This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?”
• There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.
• This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, “You can map mine for a lot less.”
• Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.”
• President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.
• Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, “Any of you ladies want to write it?”
• The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s “The Bible” looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, “How can you do that to Satan?”
• There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, “Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?”
• In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in “one size embarrasses all.”

Jimmy Kimmel

• Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.

If you want to peruse previous editions of these one-liners, click here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here,here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.