More Mockery for America’s Narcissistic and Destructive Political Class

I enjoy sharing jokes about the thieves and clowns in Washington, probably because it helps keep me sane.

Some of my favorites include this one showing the mindset of a politician, this one about why it’s easy to operate on politicians, this one about a politician visiting flyover country, this one about a politician in a bar, this one about Little Johnny copying politicians, and this one showing the relationship between people and elected officials.

Now let’s enjoy the latest one liners about the riff raff in Washington.

Jay Leno

• In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.
• CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it.
• According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they’d see there’s no jobs and they’d go home.
• While talking about the economy, Joe Biden said it’s a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word “depression” to describe the economy. I don’t know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe Biden sounds like he’d be perfect.
• Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.
• Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They’re all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.
• A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn’t know that meant flip-flopping.

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Let Them Destroy Each Other Kurt Schlichter

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Conan

• New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn’t like an “S.O.B.” Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a “B.L.T.”
• The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney’s running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, “a person of color.”

David Letterman

• Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool.

Craig Ferguson

• Some people watching CNN were so shocked by the healthcare ruling that they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
• Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes for me.
• Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.
• President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?

Jimmy Fallon

• For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, “Thank God no one watches us.”
• President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney’s business career by calling him an “outsourcer-in-chief.” Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India.
• A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya.
• Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, “But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.”
• Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got “lost in the mail.”

You can see previous collections of late-night jokes by clicking here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.