Dear Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC):
You don’t know me but you should. I’m an angry white guy. As a white guy, I’m angry a lot. But today, I’m even angrier than usual. So you should probably put me on your list of dangerous persons. Given that I might have a mental breakdown at any moment, you should probably go ahead and designate me as hate group. I feel a strong case of multiple personality disorder coming on. Yes I do. No you don’t. Oh, shut up and let him talk!
The Gay and Lesbian Alliance against Defamation (GLAAD) Commentator Accountability Project came out to the media earlier this month. As you know, this project aims to put “critical information” about “anti-gay interviewees” into the hands of “newsrooms, editors, hosts and reporters” who “don’t often have the time to dig into the histories of a commentator.” In other words, it is a branch of the Gaystapo using Nazi tactics to ban those who disagree with them from appearing in the media. I call it pink-listing. This is not to be confused with pink-lisping, which refers to the tendency of homosexuals to develop speech impediments as soon as they come out of the closet.
The GLAAD project seeks to pink-list those “comparing LGBT people to Nazi Germany, predicting that equal treatment of LGBT people will lead to the total collapse of society, and even making accusations of satanic influence.” As you can see, I am one of the people in the media who likes to accuse GLBT people (Gilberts), GBLT people (Giblets), and TLGB people (Total-goobers) of being like Nazis. Despite this, I’ve been excluded from the list. What is wrong with these people? Are they trying to destroy decent society? Or has Satan finally overtaken their twisted souls?
The Commentator Accountability Project claims it is “bringing all of these statements to light while calling attention to the sentiment behind them.” That’s just not true. I’ve made plenty of statements against Gilberts, Giblets, and Total-goobers that have been overlooked by GLAAD. They need to call attention to these statements so they can know what’s going on behind them. Even when they aren’t in prison, gays should always know what’s going on behind them!
Although they say that their list of 25 commentators “represent nothing but extreme animus towards the entire LGBT community” they are wrong. Some of them are actually pretty nice. In fact, they are way nicer than I am. So I’m writing today to argue that GLAAD should also be designated as a hate group for including these nice people on their pink-list. More importantly, they should be designated as a hate group for refusing to include me!