From: Preteen Parent
How do I survive a moody 12-year-old daughter without damaging our relationship (or killing her)? I find it very hard to allow her the power to ruin a family event even a meal with her gloom. Some days she is a pure delight (engaged, happy, articulate, intelligent) and the next day she is silent, sullen and distant. It is taking a lot for me not to respond negatively to it. Help!
To: Preteen Parent
Ah, hormones. Clearly, your daughter has entered adolescence with all of its attending angst and agita. According to specialists, this process may go on until she is somewhere north of 23. But don’t despair. These will be the most dramatic 10 years of your life. [Insert eye roll here.] Thanks to a strange cultural shift in our expectations about our children, too many parents set themselves up for an unpleasant experience with tweens and teenagers, and sure enough, they get it.
Here’s what I mean: As my eldest daughter approached 13, I heard lots of warnings from friends like, “You’ll never know how dumb you are until you have a teenager.” Others cautioned me to put on my emotional armor because teens say cruel and insensitive things. The assumption: Rude is just “what tweens and teenagers do.”
Even parenting specialists promote this notion, asserting that the process of “individuation” (a fancy word for “growing up”) requires rebellion.
But growing up ought to reveal greater maturity, the ability to focus attention outwardly, and the capacity to control emotions and cope with challenges, not a second round of the “terrible twos.”
A truism about children’s behavior is: Kids tend to meet our expectations. If, as they enter adolescence, we expect them to get cranky, rude, disrespectful and disinterested in their relationships with us, they’re likely to live up to that (low) standard of behavior. Worse, we’re unlikely to demand anything better from them.
On the other hand, if we hold that bar up just a bit and let our children know that we have higher expectations for their behavior even during their hormonally charged adolescent years we send the message, “I understand you’re growing and trying to figure things out, but I have confidence that you can behave in a way that I find acceptable and you can be proud of.”
If we approach our children’s adolescent years with a positive attitude and some clear guidelines, I guarantee this can be one of the most enjoyable seasons of parenting.
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