Doug Giles

Last Thursday Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta and other U.S. military leaders lifted the ban on women serving in combat positions. I, for one, think this is a great idea and have a few modest proposals, if the brass inside the beltway is open to suggestions, on how they should deploy the dames (and whom they should deploy).

First off, if you truly want to eviscerate the enemy—namely Muslims—then I propose sending the most nerve grating and foul women Hollywood has to offer straight into hot zones as our forward armies. I’m a thinkin’ starting off with Roseanne Barr, Joy Behar and Lisa Lampanelli as our first offensive. Talk about shock and awe! The enemy would crap their pants (or whatever it is they wear).

Heck, those ladies wouldn’t even need to bring weapons, Leon. Just send this unholy trinity in with matching Frederick’s of Hollywood teddies juiced up on a pot of espresso and then have them confront hajji with their spurious insights, high-pitched, nasally voices and their unfunny comedic screeds, and our foes will shoot themselves in the face. War on Terror over. Boom. It’s that easy. You’re welcome.

If for some reason Barr, Behar and Lampanelli’s sensory assault on our enemies’ sensibilities doesn’t immediately devastate our adversaries then I suggest sending wave after wave of liberal college students, at the height of their PMS rage, into the thick of battle and have them quote Sandra Fluke and Lady Gaga at the top of their lungs. I believe (and I could be wrong) that this would absolutely demolish any forces that survived the initial onslaught of the Tres Amigas.

From a PsyOps standpoint you could work soft targets and wear down our foes and their enablers with Yoko Ono’s latest solo album blaring from trucks with loud speakers. On top of that scary scenario, we could simultaneously have choppers drop leaflets over the various villages warning them that if they don’t surrender now Yoko’s going to show up at their village and do a six-hour concert. They’ll fold up quicker than the Beatles did. Guaranteed. And radical Islam will leave us the heck alone for many, many moons.

With that said, I share the following concerns that my buddy who works with the U.S. Army and special forces has with deploying the ladies to combat positions:

1. One of the most significant issues with women in combat arms (MOS) is the lack of suitable hygiene. In other words, there are times in our military careers where we go through extended periods where we don’t have showers. Women have monthly hygienic concerns that a man doesn’t.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.