. . . And in other news, Joan Rivers is slated to grace the cover of Playboy’s “All Natural Edition,” John Edwards is a lovely family man who has zero narcissistic bents, and the temperature in hell has just dropped below freezing.
Don’t worry, conservative Christian: I haven’t T. D. Jaked into the Obama corner. I’m just jacking with ya.
Having said that, there is a part of me that would love to endorse Barack and Biden. It’s the stupid part. It’s the same part that I listened to when I bought Ronco’s at home hair cut kit, said “yes, I’ll go to a Celine Dion concert,” and it is also the component that conned me into believing, once upon a time, that women love it when men cry.
Seriously though, I did get a Chris Matthews chill down my spine as I watched the Democratic National Convention. I couldn’t believe it. I shouted out loud, “Holy Spirit, is that you confirming to my soul that Obama is The One?”
It had to be a divine witness from God, I thought, because I was chilled to my core. I looked at my arms . . . goosebumps! I then looked down at my legs to see if they too were experiencing horripilation and suddenly realized that it wasn’t the witness of the Spirit stimulating my flesh but the cold beer I had spilled on my crotch.
So much for the Obama based afflatus.
I will give the Obama camp this: They do know how to hit us emotionally, don’t they? From Michelle’s sea foam dress and her new skinny Oprah persona makeover, to their darling girls being Kathy Lee’d out on stage, to Biden showcasing his grandkids and his cool old mama, I was getting—Lord forgive me—all verklempt! The only thing that Hallmark convention lacked was puppies, bunny rabbits and dancing candy canes running across the stage in a stadium filled with laughing gas.
What kept me from completely diving down the funnel and blowing off my conservative roots are these few ditties that Barack proposes for the future and also what he has done in the past, stuff like . . .
• Double the capital gain tax on stock and real estate sales
• Increase FICA taxes by 14 points on all income over $100,000
• Double taxes on dividends
• Expand the inheritance tax
• Weaken the PATRIOT Act
• Curb anti-terror wire tapping
• Extend health insurance benefits to illegal immigrants
• Give children of illegal immigrants in-state tuition at state universities
• Weaken education standards
• Enlarge health insurance so drastically that it forces us to ration medical care, particularly to granny