Who are the worst people in America? For sheer evil, I’m sure murderers, rapists, and child molesters belong at the top of the list. But if we’re talking about overall damage to society, it’s hard to imagine that any group is as counterproductive as politicians.
Whether they’re causing financial crises, undermining American competitiveness, crippling upward mobility for the poor, or giving away our money in corrupt vote-buying schemes, it seems that politicians have a reverse Midas touch.
That’s why I enjoy sharing the jokes from the late-night comics. It’s important to mock these pretentious windbags. So enjoy the latest batch.
Jay Leno
- It’s been a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke.
- The Center for Responsive Politics reports that President Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn’t lost it all in his economic plan.
- Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who’s trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he’s desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it’s Obama!
- Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the Democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there’s only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.
- Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today. It’s called Botox Avenue.
- President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs.
- Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He’s renounced his U.S. citizenship because it’ll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, “That’s what the Cayman Islands are for.”
- President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan’s $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what’s going to happen? The government’s going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!
- Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.
- President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service — a place in America where prostitution is legal.
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David Letterman
- Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece.
- Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I’m going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say.
Conan
- A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, “Nuh-uh!”
- A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick “an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.” When he heard that, Joe Biden said, “Thanks, I’ve already got a gig.”
Jimmy Fallon
- Here’s an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, “the Juan percent.”
- While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed at a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying. When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him the latest poll numbers.
- This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, “Not bad.”
You can see previous collections of late-night jokes by clicking here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
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