Cable television is a minefield of unspeakable raunch for children, who, like it or not, freely roam the hallways of this medium at night. The Parents Television Council has issued its list of the Top 10 Worst Cable TV Shows for Kids. One hopes that someone out there is shocked.
Leading the list is Comedy Central and its vile celebrity roasts. These mean-spirited and vile knockoffs are nothing like the sidesplitting, kid-because-we-love Dean Martin roasts of the '70s.
August's roast of Joan Rivers was the ugliest yet. Rivers came out on stage holding hands with six little kids of different nationalities and joked that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were having a yard sale. She shoved the kids and snapped: "All right, kids, go make jewelry!" Behind the kids' backs, she flipped a middle finger and said, "I hate children."
That was the tame part. The "comedian" Gilbert Gottfried yelled in his obnoxious high monotone that Robin Quivers, the sidekick to sleazy satellite-radio shock jock Howard Stern, is "proud" of being molested by her father and "won't shut up about it." Quivers is so ugly, thinks our funny man, that "Oh, the shame that poor man must have felt having to hide the fact that his molestation standards were so low!" Yuk, yuk.
The most familiar cable show that's not for children but watched by millions of them is "South Park," now in its 12th year on Comedy Central. The lowlight of the last season was the spoof of the Jonas Brothers, who apparently made grade-school girls want to perform oral sex. In this skit, the Jonas boys were pressed and even beaten to wear their purity rings by the dictatorial CEO of Disney, Mickey Mouse, who maniacally claimed he was selling sex to pre-teen girls and boasted, "I've made billions off Christian ignorance for decades now. And do you know why? Because Christians are retarded."
MTV and VH-1 each make the list for their reality shows that make a mockery of "love" in their titles. MTV's "Shot at Love" lined up both men and women to compete for the attention of aspiring Internet musician Tila Tequila, who's most recently been in the headlines as a victim of domestic violence. Then MTV multiplied the sleaze with "Double Shot of Love," again lining up men and women to compete for the attention of the "Ikki" twins, Rikki and Vikki Mongeon. If the setup doesn't send you lunging for the remote control, there are also stripping and underwear competitions, foul language and discussions of masturbation, group sex and other "love" topics.