Commandment 5: Be helpful.

The Classy Girl sees a need, and if she can assist then she helps. The other day I was out in front of a Publix Supermarket and watched a burglary in progress. The guy ran out of the store, cash in hand, with the clerk and security guards chasing him. It looked fun, so I joined in the chase. The clerk and the guard ran out of juice, and I (along with a cop) got to tackle the dude and jam his face into the cement (one of those little perks God drops in your lap every now and then). Bottom line with those raised as a Classy Girl is: whether it’s with tackling a punk or packing a trunk, The Classy Girl is programmed to H-E-L-P, not hinder.

Commandment 6: Be friendly.

The Classy Girl smiles. She’s not sullen or vexed. She’s not walking around like the psycho chicks and metrosexual males in Miami in a pout pretending to be the next angry supermodel. The Classy Girl says hello and starts friendly conversations. When I take my buddies hunting with me to Texas or Alabama, they’re blown away at how friendly people are. We’ll be driving down a Farm to Market Road in the middle of nowhere, meet a truck coming the opposite direction and our host will wave. Invariably, one of my friends then asks, “Who was that?” and our host replies, “I don’t know.” Then my jaded friends give me a confused look and ask me quietly why he waved. I whisper back, “People down here are friendly . . . watch out, it might rub off on you.”

Commandment 7: Use the right words.

When asked a question, the Classy Girl doesn’t reply with “Huh?” “What?” or “Yeah.” It’s “Please,” “Thank you” or “Yes or no thank you.” She’s a girl who respectfully asks and doesn’t demand.

Commandment 8: Don’t dress like a skank.

There’s nothing wrong with a girl dressing in a cute and figure-flattering manner. However, if she wants to avoid drooling male troglodytes and be taken seriously as both a human and a woman, then she must avoid wearing stripper heels to church. The Classy Girl will send a message to the men out there by the way she dresses that she’s sophisticated and eloquent, not sleazy and easy, capisce?

Commandment 9: Don’t take nude photos of yourself or make sex tapes. Unless you want a life in the porn industry with all the “perks” of drugs, STDs, crime and masturbatory stalkers/rapists, I’d really think twice about what kind of pictures and videos of you are floating around on the internet. Lately, we have seen many aspiring young ladies have their careers derailed or their image forever whorified by the bad, bad decision of bumping uglies on film. Remember, not only is the paper patient, but so is the picture and the grainy home sex movie. These things can damage you for a long, long, long time.

Commandment 10: Develop cell phone etiquette.

First off, put your cell phone on vibrate, alright? There’s enough noise pollution in our world without us having to hear your Razor blast out Nelly Furtado at ear-splitting decibels. Secondly, quit yelling on your phone. Just because you can’t hear yourself in your cell phone’s earpiece doesn’t mean the caller can’t hear you. In addition, by speaking softly we won’t know how shallow and crazy you really are. Thirdly, if you’re going to go nuts on the phone will you walk outside, huh? Fourthly, turn it off during church, okay Jezebel? Fifthly, if you won’t text while we’re eating dinner then I won’t fart at the supper table, deal?

Father, disallow your child to act like a spoiled, rabid, egocentric animal. Make good manners and propriety a given for your girl, and I guarantee she will not attract the crotch grabbing thugs amongst us. Instill the above solid qualities into your baby, and when she grows up, she’ll thank you in spades—and she’ll be a respected, almost revered leader wherever she goes.