In a few hours, the Republican National Committee (RNC) is going to publish -- and blast out to all its supporters -- a rare document never before seen and intercepted on its way to the North Pole: The Christmas letter Hillary Clinton "wrote" to Santa Claus this year.
Townhall, we’re pleased to announce, got our hands on it first.
For those interested, the entire (satirical) missive is below, which among other things not-so-subtly touches on Hillary Clinton’s greatly diminished heir apparent status, her breathtakingly absurd demands and requests on the speaking circuit, and her refusal to state her positions clearly and openly on controversial issues. We hope you get a kick out of it. We sure as heck did.
I have only one wish this year: no primary opponents. Please, I don’t want any competition for the Democrat nomination. We all know I should be inevitable, but some people in my own party are starting to say I’m too out-of-touch, too cozy with Wall Street, too closely tied to Barack. They even say I’ve been in politics too long. Can you believe that? When you think new beginnings, you think Hillary!
I know a lot of Democrats like Elizabeth Warren more than they like me. MoveOn.org is trying to recruit her to run against me. Excuse me? MoveOn should move over. It’s my turn, but even Biden is starting to look better to some people. Biden?!
So, can you please make sure Warren doesn’t run? And Biden and O’Malley and Webb and Bernie Sanders and…well, anyone. I don’t want Democrats to think they have a choice. That didn’t work out so well for me last time. On second thought, Bernie can run. He’ll make me look moderate for the general election, and he won’t force me to answer tough questions like Warren would.
(By the way, I have always regretted not writing you before that campaign. I’m a believer now. Did Barack write you before ’08? I mean, how else would someone so inexperienced beat me?)
By the way, I do want to say “thank you” for what you got me last year: the lucrative speaker’s gigs. Even cash-strapped public universities shelled out a quarter million dollars to hear me speak about nothing in particular! On top of the speaker’s fees, people give into all my demands—from the private planes to the crudités backstage. I know you had something to do with it: no one in their right mind would throw away that kind of money for speeches in which I don’t even take positions on important issues.
That reminds me. There’s one more thing on my list. Can you help me get away with not taking positions on issues like Keystone and the CIA report for at least another year? That would be a big help. I find people like me more when they don’t remember what I stand for.
I’m ready for…Santa!
P.S. Is Bill still on the naughty list?
Check out the whole thing here: