The Devil and Mrs. Waters

Posted: Oct 03, 2011 12:01 AM

Welcome to a political tale about a night visit to Rep. Maxine Waters from the Devil of America's Future:

Maxine: Why are you here in my house!?

Devil: You promised to help the "Tea Party" go to hell.

Maxine: What?

Devil: Politicians should know by now--you can talk but you can't hide. It was quite a sound bite: "And as far as I'm concerned, the 'tea party' can go straight to hell"....blah blah blah. And then moved by the resounding applause, "I intend to help them get there!"

Maxine: That's out of context!

Devil: That last line is what got our attention. You've done a great job of creating hell on earth for responsible citizens and businesses. We appreciate your efforts, but when you said you wanted to help them get there, we take training guides seriously. I'm here to train you.

Maxine: I don't want to...


Maxine: Where am I?

Devil: This is hell.

Maxine: This is pretty nice! It's better than my Washington condo.

Devil: Well, you start at a higher level for all the help you've provided. But as a trainee, you only get a few hours to get a feel.

Maxine: Glad there's no flames (laughing), but I'm thirsty.... Hey, there's no water coming out of the faucet!

Devil: Could you believe global warming? Even warmer down here. We're rationing.

Maxine: Rationing?

Devil: No. Hell's plumbers are on strike. You talk about a surly bunch of strikers. We have only the worst.

Maxine: When will it be back on?

Devil: Heaven only knows! (laughing) Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Maxine: What should I drink?

Devil: Some have learned to recycle their liquid output.

Maxine: You mean Pee!

Devil: Urine. Pee. Liquid output. You pick the name. For some reason, people never seem to run out here. One of the few benefits, I guess.

Maxine: That's disgusting.

Devil: Some have used water purifiers to make it a bit more palatable.

Maxine: I suppose those stores have been on strike, too.

Devil: You're good! But there are forms you can fill out to order one. Water is scarce and the environmental protection forms here are a bit prohibitive, but you can understand that.

Maxine: What's happened now? The lights have gone out!

Devil: Rolling black outs. Those workers from hell have a way of shutting things down on a whim.

Maxine: I've got a lighter in my purse.

Devil: I wouldn't do that. This is a no fire zone and lighters and matches are protect the children.

Maxine: I don't see any children.

Devil: You don't see anything. It's dark, but you never know when one may show up. But there are more forms...

Maxine: Does this place have windows?

Devil: One. It lets you peek out. Let me lead you to it.

Maxine: It's light outside. It's beautiful. Can I go outside?

Devil: Of course not, that's heaven. That's how the other side lives. We've been trying to figure out how to tax them and improve our conditions here. No luck so far. But you can understand why we watch you folks down on earth. You've been more effective.

Maxine: I want to go back.

Devil: Fine. But next time, keep a water purifier in your purse when you come. Just a word to the wise.

Maxine: Where do you get them?

Devil: I saw that you can get one on Glenn Beck's website. You know, he's got all that crazy survival stuff there.

Maxine: I couldn't support his website.

Devil: Use an alias! Devils get good at disguise!