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Reason #9,487 Progressivism is a Cult

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

We live in grotesquely mediocre times.

Remember the plain old mediocre times from like 10 years ago, when all we did was take for granted the blessings bestowed on us by our forefathers? Those are long gone. Now we’ve “progressed” toward believing those blessings, like freedom of religion and freedom of speech, are actually curses.


I’m not sure why the jihadists want to kill us so badly when we are clearly so ready and willing to put a bullet in our own head.

Not willing to be outdone, though, a professor across the pond has his foot on the gas on the road to stupid. This virtuoso from the University of Warwick in England, said parents who read to their kids should wrap themselves in a guilt blanket before they read to their children at night. Since they’re “unfairly disadvantaging other people’s children” by doing so.

The “smart” people increasingly think and talk like this. The same way that jihadists can be seen as victims of bullying because of a crappy cartoon is exactly how your college education can include a lecture on encouraging illiteracy in children.

If only this clown’s mother had lived by his rules and kept him from the learning the King’s English. Then we’d all be spared his special kind of stupid. But I’m sure this is a clear case of oppression for thee but not for me. There seems to be a lot of that going around lately.

And why stop at taking all those picture books and burning them in the front lawn to teach your kid a solid lesson about equality. Why am I and my eternal bigotry even feeding my children and keeping them from playing in traffic?

There are people suffering in the world, for God’s sake! Come here, kid, so I can punch you in the gut and steal your lunch money. You’ll thank me for it later when you realize you never got ahead in this world because some sellout grownup actually gave a damn about you.


Now, if you want to set your eyes on a magical place full of race-to-the-bottom childrearing like that, look no further than Baltimore.

A new report released by the Family Research Council’s Marriage and Religion Research Institute says only 16 percent of 15- to 17-year-old teens in Baltimore have been raised in an intact, married family.

But let’s not put all of our eggs in one basket. Parental nirvanas of dysfunction come in other shapes and sizes, especially in a progressive land of the lost such as ours. If not having dad around isn’t an option because he keeps manning up and all, why not try throwing two dads in the mix?

We’re not totally sure what that will do to Sally or Billy’s reading skills, but the latest research revealed last month from the American College of Pediatricians shows it has a good shot of messing them up in lots of other ways.

Children in their “care” experience significantly higher levels of events or conditions such as being arrested, using marijuana, having a learning disability, identifying as depressed, unhappy, fearful or anxious, and are less likely to graduate from high school. As adults, they are more likely to be unemployed, receive public assistance and to have an extramarital affair.

Jackpot – says “the right side of history.”

That’s just the kind of thing reading to my kids might prevent, and what kind of jerk would that make me? How could I be so cruel and stupid? Who do I think I am, one of those homeschooling moms who sacrifice her time and energy so that the great pagan propaganda machine doesn’t brainwash the fruit of her womb?


I’ll bet those kids get read to a lot. I wonder if they know the terror they are unleashing on the world with each and every syllable they pronounce. Makes you a little sick, doesn’t it?

At least here in Iowa we have local heroes like RINO-on-steroids State Rep. Josh Byrnes, who recently stood tall to say that homeschooling parents who pay taxes like everyone else does had no right to be politically active in the fate of public schools.

He’s sprinted way ahead of the whole reading bit and doesn’t want anybody to think for themselves, either. What a stroke of genius!

Everybody must stay in their provincial Orwellian silos, and let our self-styled new age intelligentsia handle things like continually growing the size of education budgets with no appreciable results.

I guess that’s how you create a land worth living in. I wish I could tell that professor in England to read all about it, but that would be bigoted and elitist.

So instead repeat after me, boys and girls: “progressivism is a cult.”

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