A Real State of the Union

Posted: Feb 01, 2014 12:01 AM
A Real State of the Union

My fellow Americans,

Tonight I want to speak to you from the heart, and without the aid of a teleprompter. No, really, let’s try it and see what happens.

In short, we’re up crap creek without a paddle. Things have deteriorated so badly on my watch we’re going to have to change the national motto from “in God we trust” to “paddle faster, I hear banjos.”

Just look at the numbers.

- 6.5 million Americans have quit looking for work. That’s more than the total population of 33 of our 57 states.

- Food stamp recipients have increased by 46%, and there are now more Americans on food stamps than the total population of Spain.

- Health insurance costs have risen by 17%, and that’s before the full costs of my healthcare “reform” bill are fully realized.

- The price of gas is up 79%.

- The federal debt has increased by 55%.

That’s not even counting what I’ve done to the country on a cultural level. I’ve used the power of my office to advance anti-American ideals like redefining marriage, violating religious liberty and freedom of conscience, and I’ve purposefully omitted the mention of God or our Creator from our historical citations numerous times.

Then there’s what I’ve done to the country constitutionally. I’ve essentially engaged in America’s first outright imperial presidency, bypassing the rule of law altogether to issue more executive orders than Jimmy Carter’s brother had pills.

As a result, only 29% of Americans believe the country is headed on the right track, while almost two-thirds of you that haven’t bought into my cult of personality do not. You’re the smart ones.

The inconvenient truth here is no one is more surprised at the epic fail of my administration than I am. Some nights I lay awake and wish I really was out to purposefully destroy the country as some of my detractors believe. But if that were the case, I wouldn’t have been caught with my knickers down around my ankles in public last fall when we spent $90 million on an Obamacare website that didn’t work. Did you watch Kathleen Sebelius’ testimony? Did that come across like it was scripted by a sinister mastermind to you?

Some nights I lay awake and wish I really was the Muslim sympathizer some of my detractors believe I am. Because then I wouldn’t have been caught off-guard by Jihadists storming our Libyan embassy, and compelled my entire administration to lie about this saddest chapter of my tenure in order to cover up how dangerously naïve I am about the world and our enemies.

If you still think this is all part of some coordinated plot to take down the country, you’re giving me way too much credit because I can’t even do that right. Look at the latest polls. If my current numbers hold steady we’re heading towards another mid-term bloodbath similar to the one we had in 2010. True, I won re-election, but as the only non-wartime president in America to do so by getting fewer votes than I got before. You can thank the limp biscuit the Republicans nominated to challenge me for that, as well as Chris Christie’s embrace at a time I badly needed a pick-me-up.

Since I’ve been in office the Republicans have gained 9 governorships, and gained control of twice as many state governments as the Democrats. Only 23% of Americans currently identify themselves as “liberal.”

Sure, some of my detractors will argue this chaos is exactly what I want to usher America into some new world order. But what would that look like? Didn’t you just see me get pistol-whipped by that gangster Russia calls a president in our PR battle last fall? Right now we’re getting knee-capped in public by an Iranian regime I did everything I could to cater to. Perhaps the strongest European economy is Germany’s, and I just got caught illegally spying on their leader. So if I’ve got a global government up my sleeve, it consists only of third world countries you’ve never heard of. Heck, not even the Latin American countries would sign up with us. Why would they? I’ve been willing to take all their people they don’t want to have to take care of off of their hands.

There’s a simpler, but not necessarily easier explanation for what’s happened to the country since I’ve been in the White House.

I’m on the wrong side of history.

Cut me some slack here. My entire life has been a subsidy. From my college education, to my days as college professor, to a community organizer – and even I still don’t know what the hell that even is – to my time in politics. All of my life has been one, big, ivory tower subsidy. I’ve never spent a day in the real world creating jobs, meeting payroll, or attending a real church. Even my beloved girls go to a private school 99% of you can’t afford and/or get into.

I have been reared in a Petri dish of progressive statism. It was sold to me at a young, impressionable age. I’m a product of my environment, and no man can rise above his own worldview. I actually thought all this enlightened propaganda I was indoctrinated into would work!

I’m the first of my kind ideologically to be elected to this high of office. The truth is Bill Clinton was more conservative in many respects than my Republican predecessor was. He talked a good class warfare game, but he gave conservatives a lot of what they wanted when push came to shove. That’s how I was able to beat Hillary for the nomination. Leftists knew I was a true believer, and they knew that in the end the Clintons always make the deal. Just like Bill made a deal to win the election for me in 2012 if I supported his wife unopposed for the nomination in 2016.

But I can no longer honor that deal in good conscience. If my administration has accomplished nothing else, we have proven the previous generations that built the greatest nation on earth on the foundations of individual liberty, personal responsibility, and meritocracy were a lot smarter than we gave them credit for.

This is why tonight I am announcing an immediate rollback of my agenda, with the help of Congress, of course, as part of re-establishing the rule of law. No more unilateral actions that impose on the will of the people. I feel so strongly about this I actually considered resigning, but that would make Joe Biden president and I’ve already done enough damage to the American people as it is.

The first step in this process is I will publicly support a full repeal of my own healthcare law. I’ve delayed it so many times already to lessen its burden on the American people, and that hasn’t worked. So it’s obvious the only thing that will work is repealing it. If my fellow Democrats in the Senate take issue with this, then I will take issue with them during the campaign this fall. In place of Obamacare we will submit a more targeted proposal to offer tax-incentives for individual states to deal with the issue of the uninsured on a more localized level, where government is more directly accountable to the governed.

This is just one step, but an important step nonetheless. Until we complete this step we will not take any others. My healthcare law so threatens the very fabric of Americana on so many fronts, that if I accomplish nothing else throughout the rest of my term, I will make dismantling it my singular focus as a good faith gesture to the American people. I want all of you watching tonight to know that I am serious about undoing the damage I have done.

In the meantime, let me leave you with this warning.

Don’t ever fall for someone peddling the tripe I campaigned on ever again, and may God…the only real, living God…the God of the Bible…the God of our forefathers…again bless America.