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The Progressive Bible

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

If you’ve been receiving your daily downloads from our media intelligentsia, comrade, you know we must now all bow down at the altar of demographics. Therefore, our traditions and morals must forevermore be defined not by their truthfulness, but rather if they pass muster with those who binge on Mountain Dew Code Red while watching “Modern Family” reruns.


Hence, we must evolve or we will die a cruel, slow death where Karma (the only spiritual force beyond ourselves now officially recognized in our brave, new world) sentences us to an eternity of Karl Rove-Dick Morris vaudeville shows as punishment for our ignorant intolerance. That means the Bible must evolve, too, lest it get left behind (pardon the pun) as Western civilization “progresses” towards economy-collapsing debt, child sacrifice, sexual deviancy, and compulsory state-induced stupidity.

Since I have absolutely no authority to amend or alter the Word of God, who better than me to follow in the equally unqualified and arrogant footsteps of the secularists and do so anyway. True, I could be risking Hell by doing so, but Rob Bell has convinced me Hell doesn’t exist so I’m good to go. After all, if you can’t rely on a wannabe shaman peddling postmodernism in hipster glasses who can you trust?

Thus, to make the Bible more contemporary, inclusive, and progressive, here are my top 10 verses that need to be “updated” for our enlightened age.

10. In the beginning the god of your understanding watched the “big bang” occur, and then stood idly by for billions of years curious to see how this whole evolution thing would turn out.

9. For we so love the state that we give it our only begotten offspring. Whosoever believes in the state will not perish but get an Obama-phone and cash for clunkers.

8. Thou shall steal when it’s your “right”, when someone is “rich,” or when you’re a victim of white privilege.


7. Therefore, whatever god you recognize gave you over to the pure desires of your loins, to hit it with any consenting adult and/or organic orifice that floats your boat.

6. And one day every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that god is whomever you need him/her/it to be.

5. Judge not lest ye believe in redistributing wealth, then judge much and judge harshly.

4. Do not murder, unless you’re going to be “punished with a baby.”

3. And Moses said to the theocratic authoritarian denying diversity in Egypt: “Let my people go into the wilderness so that they may recycle, commune with nature, and repent for their carbon footprint.”

2. Jesus’ mother came to him because the same-sex wedding party had run out of legalized marijuana. Jesus replied, “Maternal unit, why do you involve me? I am still buzzing from our last stash.” Jesus’ mother replied to the undocumented immigrants tending the wedding, “Do whatever he tells you.” So Jesus told them: “Puff, puff, pass man…puff, puff, pass.”

1. Jesus said, “I am a good moral teacher. Believe in what you will, for all roads lead to Heaven.”

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