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Urination Orientation

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Raymond Foley is a victim.

Sure, in past eras far less enlightened and tolerant as this current gilded age, Foley might be considered a menace to society—a creep even. But we know better now. We know people just can’t control their urges, and to demand otherwise is a Neanderthal concept right out of the stone (tablet) age.

Foley was born with something that compels him to act out in ways some segments of our society still clinging to their guns and religion condemn. But what Foley doesn’t need is judgment. Foley needs understanding.

Foley, 59, was recently charged with second degree mischief for simply being who he is. Who is Foley?

Foley is a chair-wetter.

According to police in Iowa, Foley was looking up his fellow female employees in the Farm Bureau company database. If he found the woman attractive he would then go to her desk after hours and urinate on her empty chair.

For months several female employees were complaining about a strange scent emanating from their chairs. Eventually it was discovered the smell was that of urine, and the urine was Foley’s.

Once forced to come out of the closet, Foley clearly felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders because he voluntarily surrendered to police. No longer having to hide who he is, Foley is willing to accept responsibility for his admittedly odd actions. We can only hope that Foley will simultaneously seek to raise awareness of them as well.

That’s because Foley is just the most high-profile example of the latest progressive form of self expression. Foley, like an increasing number of Americans, has discovered he has a urination orientation.

Shamed by society, folks like Foley have been forced to act on their urges in the shadows. Whether it’s urinating on empty chairs or perhaps over-indulging their senses via depictions of urination on adult websites, Foley and others like him are being denied their right to urinate.

It is, after all, the way they were made. All of us have the desire to urinate. It’s part of our base nature. But where does someone else get off (so to speak) telling someone else what form that urination must take? Or even where that urination must take place?

Laws that deny public expression of urination are just another example of the government regulating what we do with our own bodies. Until these laws are repealed, and people like Foley affirmed their right to urinate on whichever consenting adult or inanimate object they choose, none of us can trust our rights will be defended. For if one group is denied their freedom then it’s just a matter of time before “straight shooters” – slang for those who prefer to urinate into toilets (or on them, depending on their aim) – will also be threatened.

Some of you are sure to be offended by what Foley has done, but how dare you judge Foley until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes (or spent some time in his chair). Besides, someone cannot change the way they were born thus it’s not right to shun Foley simply for acting on his nature. The chairs were empty, remember, and surely the urine dried by the time the women returned to work the next morning. Foley wasn’t doing anything that harmed anybody else, and it’s not like you can spread some disease via airborne urine.

If that reasoned argument doesn’t persuade you, then answer this simple question: how has Foley being able to act on his urination orientation negatively impacted your urination? If it hasn’t impeded your “stream” of consciousness then what Foley is doing is none of your business and you should urinate when and where you choose and permit Foley to do the same.

Granted, the chairs Foley was urinating on were someone else’s property, but that’s simply because neither his employer nor the government provided the means by which Foley could properly apply his urination orientation. If Foley had access to chairs pretty girls once sat on to urinate in, he wouldn’t have to urinate on the chairs he actually did. That’s not even addressing the fact that if the government doesn’t provide Foley chairs to urinate in, he’ll continue doing it after hours in chairs that could be faulty. Faulty chairs may collapse, thus putting Foley in jeopardy. We don’t want people being harmed by collapsing chairs in back hallways do we?

That’s exactly why the state ought to be providing those chairs for Foley and others like him. It could potentially save lives, not to mention some chairs (which is good for the environment). Then the state should make sure the next generation of kids in our schools doesn’t succumb to the same intolerance and lack of diversity towards urination orientation that their fundamentalist parents and grandparents have victimized folks like Foley with.

Furthermore, the company Foley used to work for should not only give him his job back, but also provide employees such as Foley “urination stations” to be utilized when the urge strikes. Of course adding language to the company diversity curriculum informing Foley’s co-workers of the vital necessity of recognizing urination orientation in the workplace, and the important contributions to society urinators have made throughout human history (think of how many important people in history have been bed-wetters, for example), should be immediate actions any good corporate citizen would immediately agree to.

Given the fact a company like Farm Bureau would prefer to avoid looking like an agent of intolerance in the media, I’m confident it will do exactly that.

Some of you reading this will bristle at recognizing both the normalcy and necessity of people like Foley being affirmed and accepted for just being who they are, but many of you also bristled at things 20 years ago you’re readily accepting now (or at least tired of fighting over).

Nevertheless, even if those questioning or struggling with their urination orientation aren’t accepted by your generation, rest assured they will be by your children once we’re through enlightening them. Soon you will see more urination in your classrooms, and all of the best and most likeable characters on your most popular television shows will urinate freely on-screen. We’ll even have clergy arguing that the Bible affirms urination in all its forms.

And we’ll have a pioneer like Foley to thank for it. Who knows? Maybe Sean Penn will even play the part of Foley in his biopic one day?

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