Sweet Caroline

Posted: Dec 29, 2008 11:25 AM
Sweet Caroline

This is a FLASH TRANSCRIPT of a fake press conference with Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg. It might not be accurate in every respect.

HAND HOLDER: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I would like to introduce Ms. Caroline Kennedy who will make a brief statement and then answer questions.

CK: Thank you. My name is Caroline Kennedy and I have informed Governor David Paterson that I am interested in being, you know, appointed to Senator Hillary Clinton's seat when she resigns to become the, you know, Secretary of State. I will now take your questions.

Q: Wha - Why - Who are you? I mean, what are your qualifications?

CK: I'm not a conventional choice, I haven't followed the traditional path, but I do think I'd bring a kind of a lifetime of experience that is relevant to this job.

Q: Specifically ... ?

CK: I have written or co-written seven books.

Q: What were those titles?

CK: Well, you know, there was "A Family Christmas," which is a collection of Christmas stories, and "A Family of Poems" which is a collection of poems my family really, you know, likes; and "Best Loved Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis" and, you know, many others.

Q: So, these are mostly collections of things other people have written? CK: Obviously, you know, we have different strengths and weaknesses.

Q: What else ...

CK: I'm lawyer, you know.

Q: Have you actually practiced law?

CK: I've been an education activist for the last six years.

Q: So, can we ask you about some of your positions on public issues?

CK: Sure.

Q: Education?

CK: My strong point.

Q: What about the suggestion that public school teachers trade tenure for merit pay as has been suggested by the head of the D.C. school system?

CK: That's a really controversial idea, and I don't think standing alone, you know - Washington, D.C., is a separate thing. I mean, New York City has a million - 1.1 million kids, 90,000 teachers; Washington, D.C., is a really, really small system. So I don't think it is a one-size-fits-all.

Q: Will you take a position on this issue?

CK: If you just pick out the most controversial one as a stand-alone thing, you know, I don't think that's really the way to go about this. I think if people can vote it'll be really interesting to see what happens.

Q: How much money do you live on each year?

CK: Um, you know, I'm not really going to answer those kinds of specific questions. If I'm chosen for this, I'm going to comply with every kind of disclosure that's available.

Q: You're from one of the most famous Democratic families in American history. How will you treat Republicans in the Senate or in New York?

CK: It hasn't been sort of a partisan kind of career that I've had. So I think that at this point in time, that's what people are looking for. I think that's one of the things I have learned from my uncle. I mean, he's worked with Republicans, Democrats, anybody who can get the job done. Q: What about Mike Bloomberg? I mean, you worked in his administration.

CK: Yeah.

Q: NC: Do you plan to vote for Mayor Bloomberg in 2009?

CK: I plan to vote for the Democrat.

Q: What if he doesn't get on the Democratic line?

CK: I plan to vote for the Democrat.

Actually, almost every answer ascribed to Ms. Kennedy is taken directly from the transcript of the interview she did with the New York Times over the weekend. I combined some answers and cut some others up, but they are a true representation of her lack of knowledge of just about anything connected to the job of being a U.S. Senator.

I did a Fox hit with former Democratic Congressman Marty Frost yesterday. His principal defense of Kennedy for this job was that she endorsed Obama so she might be more money for New York.

Two things should be clear to everyone:

1. If her name were Caroline Schlossberg, no one would be taking her seriously.

2. If her party affiliation were (R) instead of (D) the Saturday Night Live writers would be working feverishly with Tina Fey to skewer Kennedy next weekend based upon her abysmal lack of any qualifications for the job.