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How to Save Money and Promote Athletic Diversity

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
My University, UNC-Wilmington, needs to change its name to The University of No Competition Whatsoever. We could still use the UNCW logo but our full name would more accurately reflect our educational priorities. We already undermine economic competition by promoting Marxism. But now we are considering cutting athletic competition in order to preserve diversity spending in the midst of state budget cuts.

The local Wilmington (North Carolina) McTimes recently reported on a proposal floating through the ranks of the university administration. The following sentence summarizes the gist of the spending cuts, which are expected to save $800,000 annually:

"UNCW would no longer field teams in men's indoor track; men's cross country; men's and women's swimming and diving and softball if the university's Board of Trustees approves the Intercollegiate Athletics Review Committee's recommendations."

Many people are upset at the proposal due to the fact that the men's swimming and diving team has won 12 consecutive CAA titles. They wonder why we would cut the most successful program on campus (athletic or otherwise) while leaving failed programs intact. Their concerns are merited but they miss two other repercussions of the cuts, which will overshadow the loss of our swimming and diving team. I discuss each below:

1. Blacks and track. We can't cut the men's track programs because most of the black male students at UNCW are on the track team. Maybe there are more black male students than I am aware of - perhaps several more are hiding in the African American Center in order to escape the racial oppression they learn about in African American Studies classes. But most black guys I see at UNCW are running around the track. We need to retain these high visibility black guys. The only other place you usually see black males is on the UNCW website - and I think some of those black guys were imported for PR purposes.

2. Lesbians and softball. Cutting the women's softball team will kill our efforts to promote homosexual diversity. Our women's softball games attract more lesbians than an Indigo Girls concert. If we get rid of the softball program we will lose over half of our real lesbians. We'll still have a few thousand temporary lesbians but those don't count. They are only lesbians for a few years in college because of the two-to-one campus girl-to-guy ratio.

Since a campus full of white temporary lesbians does little to promote diversity, we need to keep the track and softball teams. But where will the $800,000 in spending cuts come from? Naturally, I have all the answers.

My proposed cuts are listed below in no particular order of importance:

1. Close the Upperman African American Center. Most of the dozen or so black people we have on campus are too well-hidden. Instead of hiding from white people in a "blacks only" lounge, they should be circulating on campus with everyone else. Closing the Upperman Center will save a couple of hundred thousand a year. Plus, when our black students start to integrate with others we can take pictures of them and post them on the website. No more importing black people for PR purposes.

2. Close the LGBTQIA Center. These guys spent way too much money last year trying to defeat Amendment One. Now that they have lost, we should shut down this office, which is really nothing more than a lobbying center for gay politics – one that occasionally sponsors a few masturbation seminars to relieve the pressure of high-stress political lobbying. The closure will save us another hundred thousand or so and help us keep the swimming and diving program afloat. After all, we should be rewarding athletic winners instead of rewarding political losers.

3. Fire Coach Peterson immediately. Finally, we should fire our basketball coach, Buzz Peterson. He can't seem to coach basketball and stay on top of the academic performance of his players. Cutting him would get us halfway to the goal of saving $800,000 per year on our educational budget. Plus, we really don't need a coach named "Buzz" at a school that is notorious for partying.

Many would say that my savings plan has a flaw because we would need to hire another basketball coach to replace Buzz Peterson. But I disagree with that assessment. Under my plan, we would just let the basketball players coach themselves. They couldn't do much worse than they are doing right now. Plus, we'd be able to experiment with utopian society by declaring everyone on the team to be equals.

I'm sure everyone would share the ball equally under my new athletic budget reduction plan. But when your only goal is diversity and inclusion who cares about winning games anyway?

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