My Aim Is True

Posted: Feb 15, 2011 12:01 AM
My Aim Is True

Dear Allison:

I read with great interest your recent comment on one of my columns, which was posted on In the post, you claimed that I had experienced a “sychotic [sic] breakdown” shorty after receiving tenure, which, in your opinion, explains my tendency to lambast the academic left in my weekly column.

Although you can’t spell that well (apologies to Rev. Jackson for the gratuitous rhyme) you are correct about my “sychotic breakdown.” Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut. So it’s only fair to admit that a nutty liberal occasionally stumbles upon the truth.

My “sychotic breakdown” began when a fraternity brother of mine was abducted and murdered by a criminal who was wielding a gun. Until that night I had been an opponent of handgun ownership. I even voted for Michael Dukakis – in part because he advocated a ban on handguns.

After the murder took place I heard this little voice speaking to me. It said the following: “If handgun possession were criminalized, then only criminals would possess handguns.” The voice continued to speak to me saying “It’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.”

Allison, you are free to call it a “sychotic breakdown.” But I prefer to call it “the voice of reason.”

My “sychotic breakdown” continued when I became a professor and thus began serving on faculty hiring committees. The HR department would routinely force us to include a statement in our ads saying “UNC Wilmington does not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, etc.” They would also force us to include statements such as “Minorities and women are especially encouraged to apply.”

It was around that time that a little voice began to speak to me saying, “The best way to end discrimination is to stop discriminating.” The voice continued by adding “Affirmative action is a form of institutionalized racism and sexism.” Allison, you are still free to consider that little voice to be evidence of a “sychotic breakdown.” But I still prefer to call it “the voice of reason.”

My “sychotic breakdown” really hit its stride when I was discussing hunting with a liberal sociologist. He doesn’t like me to quote him because he lacks the courage to defend his beliefs. So I’ll just paraphrase him. The anti-deer hunting pro-abortion sociologist was angry at me for shooting a doe on the off chance that she might have been caring for young fawns. I saw no evidence that Bambi was still nursing. So I pulled the trigger.

Later on, when challenged by the un-quotable liberal, I did hear that little voice again. It was asking “Why is this liberal angry that a little deer will not be able to survive on its own? Is it because it isn’t yet viable?” The voice continued asking me questions like “Doesn’t he also use lack of viability as an excuse to murder unborn human babies?” Allison, you may keep on characterizing that little voice as evidence of a “sychotic breakdown.” But doesn’t “the voice of reason” always call on us to show more compassion towards human beings than we do to wild animals?

Finally, Allison, I noticed that you claimed that I am hated by hundreds, if not thousands, of people for the material I publish in my columns. You also predicted that my life would be cut short by one of my enemies – that I would meet an “untimely death” as a result of my columns. I have two problems with your ill-considered remarks.

First of all, I am hated by millions, not by mere hundreds or thousands. And I am damned proud of it. Second, I do not think it is wise for you to make veiled threats against my life given that I own more guns than the armies of several third world nations. I am not concerned about an “untimely death” unless, of course, I see Hillary Clinton without make-up and subsequently have a massive coronary. So I’ll keep making fun of liberals and the Muslim extremists that they coddle.

It has been my experience that most Muslims like to throw rocks. I’ve also found that most liberals like to throw temper tantrums. But the latter are less dangerous than the former because they never own handguns. So if you persist in making veiled threats against my life then only one conclusion is warranted: You must be having a “sychotic breakdown. “

In closing, Allison, I hope you’ll have access to psychiatric treatment after we completely dismantle Obama-care. I really think your “sychotic breakdown” is well under way. It’s either that or the truth just scares the “p” out of you.