The 10 Things Governments Tell Us They Do Well

Michael Schaus
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Posted: Oct 23, 2014 12:01 AM
The 10 Things Governments Tell Us They Do Well

Is there anything that big government does well? I mean sure, our military is really pretty practiced at breaking things and shooting people; which (I guess) explains why they are being sent to fight Ebola. (If that logic escapes you, don’t worry… I think a lot of us feel that way.) And yeah, the IRS is pretty good at separating me from my hard-earned money; but, then again, so is Banana Republic. At least Banana Republic has the good taste to compete for my cash.

This basic question (“What does big government do well”) seems to confound liberals. We on the right have been asking it for decades… And we still haven’t been able to solicit a single honest answer from defenders of of the state. In fact, satire, sarcasm, and a little incredulity, is the general response from our esteemed colleagues on the other side of the ideological divide. I did, however, receive a list of “ten things government does well” from someone over the weekend. Of course, I couldn’t help but share it (and a few observations of my own) with the rest of the world:

Things that Government does well

(According to someone who I assume is a card-carrying member of Obama & Company):

1. Protecting our freedom

So that little dust-up in the 1770s was because government was just protecting our freedoms too vigorously?

2. Giving away land to common people

Um… What property are we talking about here? Because as far as I know, the government isn’t actually a “producer” of land – which tells me that the land it gives away to “common people” was first confiscated from someone else… Sure, government has turned “redistribution” into an art form, but I don’t think the forcible confiscation and redistribution of land coexists real well with “number one” on this list.

3. Educating everyone

The national graduation rate is a mere 75 percent; and only half of U.S. adults can name all three branches of government… Watch a few “fan interviews” of the Jersey Shore, and then keep a straight face while telling me that government has done a great job educating our youth.

4. Helping us retiring with dignity

Because nothing is more dignified than depending on a paternalistic government Ponzi-scheme for financial security in your golden years, right?

5. Improving public health

Ebola. (And on the off-chance that you’re still not skeptical, here’s another one-word answer: Healthcare.gov.)

6. Building our transportation network

Federal data shows there are roughly 63,000 “structurally deficient” bridges in the US. Of course, this doesn’t even skim the surface of roadways that are deteriorating on a daily basis. Heck, on my way to the convenience store, I routinely have to dodge a pothole that has the capability of swallowing my Jeep Rubicon. And all of this deterioration is despite the massive amount of time and energy our state, local, and federal governments have dedicated to “stimulating” the economy with a little rush-hour timed construction work. (I actually have a running theory that my home state has no storage unit for traffic cones… After all, that’s the only logical reason for blocking off a four mile stretch of a major interstate so crews can repaint 25 foot of the HOV merging lane.)

7. Investing in communications

Sure, the government owns the radio frequencies… Too bad they haven’t been able to develop a dependable way to alert President Obama to impending scandals before the media breaks a story.

8. Building our energy supply

Because nothing says “efficient use of taxpayer funds” quite like a bankrupt green-energy company in California.

9. Inventing the future (NASA)

Wait… “Inventing” or “investing”? Because last time I checked, “Muslim outreach” wouldn’t necessarily fall under either one of those categories. (Well… Unless our defense against ISIS is far worse than even conservatives fear.)

10. Defeating totalitarianism

Right. So government is super effective at killing the effects of overbearing government. This makes total sense.

I guess I have to repeat my initial question: Is there anything that big government does well? I’m waiting with bated breath for a thoughtful answer. (Or is this like the DMV, where I have to take a number and wait in uncomfortable chairs for unreasonable stretches of time?)