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Joe & Tony's Door-to-Door Vaccine Drive

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Tsafrir Abayov

Knock knock.

“Who’s there?”

“Tony and Joe.”

“Tony and Joe who?”

“We’re with the government and we’re here to help.”

“Get off my property! My father said those were the nine most terrifying words in the English language.”


“Come on, man! Open your damn front door.”

“OK. But first take off your masks so I can see who you are.”

“Mr. Reagan, we’re here to tell you where you can get your free COVID-19 vaccination.”

“No thanks, Joe. I know where to get a shot – at every corner drugstore and grocery. Even Dodger Stadium…”

“But our records show you haven’t been vaccinated yet. Why not?”

“That’s my private business, Tony.”

“But we have prizes and bribes – let me see my notes …. Yes, a free dinner, a free lottery ticket, a trip to Disneyland.”

“No thanks, Joe. I don’t want the vaccine. Now please remove your foot from my door so I can close it.”

“But health experts and big drug companies say everyone needs to get a jab.”

“That’s your problem, Tony.”

“And I promised that 70 percent of the country would be vaccinated by July 4th. You’ve got to do your part to help win our war on COVID.”

“Sorry, Joe. I’m not getting the vaccine.”

“What about your two granddaughters, ages 3 and 5. The NSA data says they haven’t been vaccinated. You realize they won’t be allowed in pre-school this fall unless they get their COVID shots, don’t you?”

“My granddaughters will be vaccinated over my dead body. Kids their age don’t get COVID and don’t need a vaccine. You guys need to start following the science.”


“What’s wrong with you, Mr. Reagan? Are you a Trump supporter? Some kind of insurrectionist? Where were you on Jan. 6, by the way?”

“I was here in L.A., Tony — in my basement, wearing a mask. Now excuse me, I’ve got an opinion column to do.”


If Joe Biden, Tony Fauci or any of their underlings really come snooping door-to-door to check our vaccine status and tell us where we can get the COVID vaccine, they’ll be wasting their time.

Every person on the planet by now knows where you can get a free COVID shot – everywhere.

There’s one simple reason millions of people have not gotten the vaccine yet – because they don’t want it and don’t want to be forced to get it.

There also are a lot of people who don’t need the vaccine because they’ve already had COVID and have natural antibodies.

Other people, including school kids, are at little risk because they are young and healthy and because they are not already very old, very sick or very fat.

A lot of people don’t trust the COVID vaccines for a bunch of understandable reasons.

They are new. They were developed quickly and they were barely tested.

The big drug companies that made them were given immunity from liability for their side-effects.

And because the government is now bribing people to get the vaccine, it puts the fear into many already suspicious people that there is something in that vaccine they don’t want in their bodies.


Meanwhile, with its snooping and vaccine-pushing policies it seems like the Biden administration is secretly trying to turn everyone into a libertarian.

Health and Human Services czar Xavier Becerra actually said the government “absolutely” has the right to know everyone’s vaccination status. That’s scary – and just more government control.

If you don’t get the vaccine, I’m fine with that.

You have nothing to fear if you are vaccinated and I’m not, and vice versa.

Live your life and be happy you’re protected – just don’t ask the government to push the vaccine on others who don’t need it or don’t want it for any reason.

And don’t tell Joe or Tony I was actually vaccinated months ago. But based on what I know today, I would “de-vaccinate.”

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