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Some More Offensive Sports Teams’ Nicknames Have Got to Go

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
AP Photo/Tony Dejak

Well, autumn has arrived, and with it, major team sports (football, baseball, basketball, hockey) are either going strong or about to begin.  Now, everybody has to do some house cleaning occasionally, and that goes for sports teams as well.  Some more nicknames simply must be changed because they are clearly offensive to the sensitive, victimized, and those (all of us) who otherwise need the protection of our betters, whether we know it or not.  And it’s time to do some of this again.  I can only mention a few of the more egregious nicknames that dutifully requireamendment.


--This year, the baseball Cleveland Indians changed their name to “Guardians.”  I’m sorry, Cleveland, but that’s not good enough, either.  We have to have “equity” and “inclusion,” and “Guardians” excludes attackers and the peasants who might be “guarded.’  Think of something else.

--The Washington Redskins became the “Commanders.”  There are a whole lot more enlisted people in the military than there are commanders.  That name’s gotta go, Washington.  Equity, please.

--The Cleveland Browns?  Is that a reference to brown-skinned people?  If Redskins was bad, well, just to be sure, Browns should get the heave-ho, too.  The Cleveland Avoiders might be good, as in, avoid…uh, never mind.

--Speaking of Washington, the Nationals?? How in the world do the Democrats allow THAT?  Has to be replaced byWashington Globalists.

--And, regarding the military, Navy Midshipmen is absolutely intolerable. Atrocious. An abomination.  It MUST become the Navy MidshipBinaries.

--The Dallas Cowboys will have to do the same thing, sorry, you Texas bigots.  The Dallas CowNon-binaries would be ok.  It would be even better if the name were changed to Dallas Drag Queens.  For the sake of our children, you know.


--Hawaii Rainbows.  Yeah!  Wave the flag! So, that one can stay.  Or, they could change it to the Hawaii Five-Os.  Book ‘em, Danno!  But, no, that would offend BLM, AOC, and the defund the police mob, so Rainbows it is.  

--Back to Texas.  Both of their baseball teams need a name revision.  The Texas Rangers??  Are you kidding me?? There was never a more masculine, racist, gun-toting groupof Neanderthals in all of human history.  And they only let women in this century.  The name could become the Texas Strangers, and that would be acceptable, given the millions of unknown people who are crossing the border now intothat state.

--What is an “Astro”?  Who names a team after George Jetson’s dog?  Well, actually, I think it is short for “astronaut,” which has to be offensive to all earth-challenged people.  But “Astros” is certainly better than the name the team had at its inception (1962-64)—the “Colt .45s”.  Obviously, can’t go back to that.  How about the Houston AR-15s? (heehee)  Just joking, Joe!  Maybe the Houston Global Warmists in memory of Hurricane Harvey in 2017.


--USC Trojans.  Bad.  Insulting to Greeks.

--Kansas City Royals.  We don’t believe in royalty any more, even though the name may apply to the color blue, I’m not really sure.  But, still.  A colonialist, war-mongering, Jesus-believing, racist queen just died, that reminds us of “royalty”, which is the antithesis of “equity.” So why not the Kansas City Equities?  Who could be offended by that?

--The San Francisco and New York Giants.  Can’t have that.  Short people are 

affronted.  Could change it to San Francisco and New York Homeless.  That would be a good reminder of how Donald Trump’s economy left so many people in destitution.

--Pennsylvania’s Pittsburgh Steelers could become the“Stealers” in honor of the 2020 election in that state, but somehow, I don’t think that would go over very well.  The 76ers need to become the “1619s”.

--I’m not sure about most colors, but Chicago White Sox is obviously a dangerous reminder of “white supremacy”, the most heinous, fearful, terrorist crime in the history of the world.  Get that “white” out of there, Chicago!   Chicago Sox is ok, I suppose, except shoe-challenged people might not like it.


--Boston Red Sox.  Does that refer to Native Americans?  Better change it, Boston, just in case.  That goes for you, too, Stanford Cardinal.  You changed your name from “Indians” once, yet you still can’t get the racism out of your bones.  Maybe the Stanford No Colors.

--New York Yankees probably offends everybody in the South, but it’s ok to insult those red-neck bigoted baboons.

--New Orleans Saints.  Good grief, talk about an insult to all Democr—uh, sinners.  

--I’m Irish, and I’m a peaceful person, so, sorry, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, that is extremely offensive to me.  Notre Dame Peaceful Irish, please.

--Birds are ok, I guess…St. Louis Cardinals, Toronto Blue Jays, Baltimore Orioles.  But if a pigeon decides to dump on your head, well, you asked for it.

--Has anyone thought to ask PETA what they think of all the animal nicknames?  Bears, Tigers, Cubs, Bengals, etc. etc.  Might be good to check.

Well, I’m out of space, but I’m sure the reader can think of some more offensive sports names that have to be changed by the thought and equity police.  Such a terrible country we have here.  Next time you see one of your betters, thank them for protecting you against harmful sports nicknames.  Don’t mention the thousands being killed in the nation’s Democratic-run cities.  Sports nicknames are far more important than that.


Mark Lewis is a native Texan currently living in Thailand.  He has a Master's degree in history and has taught history and English in America, South Korea, and China.  His first book, Whitewater, a western novel, was recently published, and is available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Eliva.com.  And check out his new blog at thailandlewis.blogspot.com

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