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OPINION

Day One for Our Next GOP President

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

We can fight about who the nominee should be and we will until the convention, when people who actually care about the country and put beating the Democrat communists ahead of their petty prejudices and feuds will unite to get our GOP nominee elected in November. But what then? Well, here is a plan for any of the serious candidates – sorry Asa and that governor of East Dakota guy – for his/her first day in office.

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January 20, 2025, Inauguration Day, will be seriously lit.

Our next president will awaken and I suggest some good, strong coffee and a light breakfast. It’s going to be a big day of kicking Dem tail.

By tradition, our new president will ride to the Capitol with outgoing President-In-Name-Only Biden. That should be a stimulating conversation. Don’t be rude and bring up his midnight pardons of Hunter and the rest of his crime family. I suggest watching a couple episodes of “Matlock” so you have something to talk about. Be sure not to laugh when addressing Jill as “Doctor.” Also, if Hunter gets edgy when approaching Capitol security and hands over a baggie and says “Be cool and hold this for me,” take a hard pass.

On the platform, be gracious. Greet the Obamas and ask how their beach front mansion is faring with all that climate change. George Bush will likely offer to give you advice; politely smile, then crumple his number up and drop it to the floor when no one is looking. Say “Hi” to Jimmy Carter – second worst president in a century, but damn, he just refuses to quit.

Keep your speech short and meaty so the regime media cannot avoid showing something on the news that you want the people to see. Explain how you intend to keep your promises. That should terrify the pinkos. And when you finish and walk off, suppress the urge to ask the Bidens “Are you still here?”

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There will be lots of protesters getting riled up about the peaceful transition of power – communists, weirdos, angry wine women in nasty hats. Make it known to federal law enforcement that insurrection will not be tolerated and you expect anyone getting frisky to get frisked, hooked up, and locked up. The dual track justice days are over. 

In the car on the way back to your new pad, get out your official cell phone and dial Chris Wray. When he answers, tell him, “Pack your Schiff. You’re fired.”

Back at the Oval Office, you will admire the busts of Winston Churchill, Abe Lincoln, and Ronald Reagan that you ordered be displayed. However, you may have to get the cleaning staff to wipe up the weird white dusty stuff someone left on the top of the Resolute desk. Also, have someone delete the browser history on the presidential computer – just in case.

There will be a pile of papers on the desk. Your staff has had its orders for today since you won and you were very clear – “I want the following executive orders to sign day one.” And you handed them a list. Now, some of your people misunderstood and thought this was a suggestion and slow-walked some of your more controversial initiatives. They are now polishing up their resumes and looking for jobs.

You will use the stray voltage tactic – lots of initiatives released all at once so the regime media cannot focus on all of them. By the time they whip up a frenzy about, say, the repeal of JFK’s Executive Order 10988 allowing federal employee unions, you have signed more orders including banning the ATF from enforcing anti-gun regulations to reauthorizing the Keystone pipeline to ending any asylum applications from people illegally entering the United States. Of course, there is one stopping all federal government payments to NGOs that facilitate illegal alien infiltration. And for fun, you sign one ending birthright citizenship – that will lose in the courts someday, but it will make the bad guys vapor lock.

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Do not forget the order requiring the preservation of all materials from the last administration – you want a solid basis for obstruction of justice charges for any bureaucrat trying to cover up Biden administration crimes and corruption. You will also issue an order reserving for yourself the authority to authorize any investigation or prosecution of any member of your administration. You recognize that the DOJ is not independent, that it answers to the elected chief executive – you. And that it has flushed away any entitlement to the benefit of the doubt. Oh, and your order reminds federal law enforcement that expending government resources on unauthorized activities – like those you just unauthorized – is a federal crime, which your new, power-washed Department of Justice will prosecute.

You also inform the agency handling security clearances that you are granting security clearances to your entire administration effective in seven days, but you will consider specific evidence disqualifying certain individuals. The hoary “Let’s slow walk clearances” game to hamstring your administration will not work.

Now come the pardons. There’s a big pile of them on your desk. J6 political prisoners, Republican victims of Democrat frame jobs, and other conservative recipients of double standards all walk. You make it known you expect them to be processed out of prison by midnight – and that you will fire those insubordinate federal employees who fail to obey. In fact, you execute a memo that directs that insubordinate federal employees will be fired immediately – there’s some technical reclassification language in there, but the bottom line is that if you play stupid bureaucratic games, you will win stupid bureaucratic prizes. Let them sue; the civil service laws insulating executive branch employees from chief executive oversight and control are unconstitutional anyway.

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Next are the calls to our international friends, starting with Israel. It’s important to rebuild the relationships shattered by the Democrats. But there are also calls to enemies and the message is simple – this is a potential fresh start, but if you cross this administration, we will mess you up. Choose wisely! 

Time to meet the Joint Chiefs of Staff! Bring them into the Oval Office and tell them that their business is warfighting and all the DEI/trans woke crap, climate change nonsense and other frivolous baloney is done. Over. Finished. Anyone uncomfortable with that can leave his stars on the desk. You know that out of any group of officers, one is not going to get the message. When he fails to do exactly what you commanded, he will be your first head on a pike. Well, not the first. Your staff has already reviewed every flag officer and has prepared a list of those you will order relieved and direct to immediately retire. Flag officer idiots on Twitter, nitwits in viral videos, anyone with a job description including the word “diversity.” The head of every military academy and war college is on it, as are the ones in charge of advertising. You will expect nominees for replacements within 48 hours – and they better jibe with your expressed intent about warfighting. “I need a four-star example to show I’m not playing,” you tell the chiefs. “Don’t be him. Dismissed.”

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The inauguration balls and such are coming up and you need to get ready. Conservative minstrel Kid Rock is playing, hopefully duetting with right-curious Morrissey, and don’t forget based ex-Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten – maybe he can modify his classic and play it as “Anarchy in the USA.” Yes, it’s good to celebrate the transfer of power from America-hating incompetents to Republican patriots, so make sure you do. But get to bed early – you have a busy four years ahead of you.

Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get Inferno, the seventh book in the Kelly Turnbull People's Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, as well as his non-fiction book We’ll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America.

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