Welcome to this special open Wednesday column – my Wednesday columns are typically exclusive to Townhall VIP members and are, like last week's take on the perpetually hammered Paul Pelosi, generally a little rawer, a little meaner, and well worth your membership!
Now, by the time this column is officially released at midnight eastern on November 9, 2022, we should know if 2022 was a red tsunami, a red wave, or a red Bulwark wedding night full of tears and disappointment. Obviously, I am writing this beforehand, and as of this writing, I think it's more likely a tidal wave than a case of electoral dysfunction. But who knows? I went into election night 2016 expecting Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit to become president and, with her rare combination of greed, stupidity, and unearned arrogance, lead us into misery and perhaps civil conflict. Instead, Trump won and saved the Republic – for now.
Whatever happens, I hope we left it all out there on the field. That's a sports metaphor, I believe, indicating we did the best we could. Did we knock on enough doors? Donate enough dough? Pester people enough with texts? That's been one of the few blessings of living in a garbage commie district like mine on the Cali coast in LA. Ted Lieu is our representative, and these idiots are about to re-elect the dumbest guy in Congress not named Mazie Hirono. The upside is that no one bothers us few normals with election texts or mailers. We get our ballots and dutifully vote for every Republican, often some perennial candidate who has already lost a couple of times and yet keeps soldiering on. As for the ballot initiatives in Cali, you default to "No" because here, you have to assume that whenever anyone suggests something, it will probably make a bad situation worse.
But other California districts might be in play this time, and maybe a couple of state offices. How much do things have to suck, and how bad must the national Democrats under President Gumby be that Republicans have a shot in the state that gave us Gavin Newsom?
The demented groper masquerading as America's chief executive went on TV last week to warn us how Our Democracy is under threat in this election since we might elect people he disagrees with. This is what worse than Jimmy Carter looks like. I remember Carter. I remember inflation, malaise, and American decline. But I also remember Ronald Reagan coming along and turning it all around. Maybe another Ron will do it again. Or a Don. I'm not picky. I just want to see our enemies crushed and broken for a generation before the political monkeypox that is leftism comes back again to reinfect America.
Imagine Biden's legacy – "The man who was worse than Carter." He sort of wanders aimlessly into winning a rigged election after spending 40 years trying to be president and then completely screws it up. The economy is teetering, the military is withering, perverts and communists are running the schools and colleges into the ground, and inflation is higher than Cheech and Chong at their annual April 20th party. This shower-loving hack has, predictably, ruined everything he touches – I WILL NOT MAKE AN ASHLEY JOKE HERE – and he is so transcendently stupid that he really thinks he's some great success. In all likelihood, as you read this, it will be apparent that this election was the electoral equivalent of the Hindenburg, yet Bad Touch Biden will be convinced he did just great and that America is eager for four more years of his drooling and stumbling.
My plan for election night is simple. I intend to have some friends over and cook some steaks. I might do some media hits from the house – Bitey is very excited about the Senate. I will be in New Orleans on November 9 to address some awesome patriots that evening, so I am up at o-dark-thirty and on a plane before the break of dawn. This means I cannot play my favorite drinking game, "MSNBC Tears Gulp." Every time some pinko on MSNBC – this is the only time I ever tune in to Idiotvision – cries about Our Democracy, I would normally take a drink. Sadly, if it is the kind of night I expect, that would lead to my liver exploding.
Of course, we might not know everything by the time you read this. France can finish its election in a night and get the ballots counted. So can all other civilized, and a few not-so-civilized, countries. But not us. Grandpa Badfinger warned us – don't expect answers Tuesday night! I'm pretty old – see the President Peanuts reference above – but we used to be able to count the votes in one night. Now it takes forever in liberal blue states and cities. Red states? Done and done. Democrat places? Why should they show competence in this aspect of governance when they don't in any other? Also, delay makes it easier to cheat.
What this Toobin Zoom call of an election fail means is that we need to push for the brass ring of electoral reforms – one-day voting with very limited absentee voting (soldiers and shut-ins) using paper ballots and requiring photo ID. The idea that you can vote before the last month of the campaign even starts is ridiculous and is transparently designed to ensure that awful candidates – read "Democrat candidates" – can bank some votes before his/her/xir opponent is able to point out the true extent of his/her/xir sucking.
I hope you are celebrating as you read this. If you are partying, tell me how at the super-secret email address VIPs already have – I will assemble the most amusing and cruel responses (because you need to rub it in) for next week's VIP column.
And if you are not celebrating because something went terribly wrong, don't bother sending me your reports. I won't read them. I am flying first class in the morning, and the drinks are free, and that's what I'll be doing if this goes south.
But I have a feeling that won't happen and that I'll be sober as a judge, at least a Trump judge, as opposed to one of those Obama judges from Hawaii. Fingers crossed!
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