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Don’t Laugh Too Hard at Bloomberg or He Might Not Run

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Cheryl Senter, File

Name the Democrat who is super-excited to have Michael Bloomberg barge into the Dem primaries like some nutty ex-girlfriend who gave you crabs popping in at your wedding. Where is the groundswell of support behind this pint-sized presidential aspirant? Perhaps the Democratic consultants who didn’t sign up with one of the other goofy candidates are happy. The micro-zillionaire may not have charisma or a vision or actual human support, but he’s got endless bucks to squander on electoral parasites.

So, those jerks will love him getting in. And so will us Republicans – Trump already has a nickname laid upon the numismatic gnome, “Little Michael.”

Real talk: the guy is delusional. Can you hear the excitement about the Verne Troyer of American politics bubbling over in the Midwest where this election’s going to be won?”

Hey Lou, good news. That Bloomberg guy is in the race. I’ve been lookin’ for a miniature Manhattan finance snob who wants to ban Cokes, take our deer rifles, and who makes the New York Times happy.”

Yeah Phil, I’m sure getting tired of all this great economic good news and my kids not coming home in boxes from Whocaresistan.

We need a guy who’s thinks he’s smarter and better than us and isn’t afraid to tell us how to live our lives!

Now, we’re already hearing lots of superficial and staggeringly dumb comparisons to Donald Trump. Yeah, they are both New York billionaires, but Trump is from Queens, and that matters. Trump is not trying to win over the swells who think their caste’s role is to stop all those lesser beings out there – by which they mean you and me – from consuming sugar and being able to defend ourselves. Trump is the voice of the people shouting, “Hey jackass, ban this straw right here!”

Trump is also not a hobbit.

Bloomberg is the kind of pursed-lipped, uptight scold the Normals are saluting with a single digit. You get the distinct impression that he spends a lot of his time being very, very upset that we are choosing to live our lives without his approval, and that it grates on him. Electing him president would be like electing your kindergarten teacher POTUS, if your kindergarten teacher was tiny, 77, and jetted away for every weekend to Bermuda in her Gulfstream after lecturing you on how you can’t have chocolate because of global warming.

This futile fiasco is not driven by anything but the malignant midget’s vanity, and not a little jealousy that Donald Trump, the unpolished Al Cervik, is dominating the Bushwood Country Club of American politics while Little Michael Smails is looking like a buffoon trying on awful hats in its pro shop. 

He’s a crusty, twisted Bilbo seeking his precious

Can you imagine the soul-smashing agony Little Michael feels every day seeing Trump get played “Hail to The Chief” while all he gets is a couple of hobos whistlin’ “Short People?”

But that’s okay, because his ego trip is going to cause amazing, glorious disruption within the Democratic race and help Donald Trump immeasurably. Blue on blue is the best kind of conflict, and this uncivil war is going to send popcorn sales through the roof. I know I’ll be gobbling it down, while sipping a Big Gulp just to tick him off.

Do you think Joe Biden, who now occupies the “fake moderate” lane Bloomberg wants to run in, will just go quietly? It was Gropey’s age-fueled decline, magnified by his snortunate son Hoover’s coke-fueled Slavic shenanigans, that made the creepy veep vulnerable. But Joe won’t stagger away quietly. He’ll stagger away loudly, incoherently, and bloodily. Joe may be utterly confused – “Whaddya mean the Blue Man Group is running against me?” – but those around him, those investing in his success, those planning to actually control things should the American people be dumb enough to elect the empty figurehead, are not going to just throw in the towel. 

It’s not like Bloomberg has a lot of love out there in Dem land, or in Republican land, or in any land. He wants to claim the centrist slot, but the Dems are in no mood for puny moderation. And we Republicans are not fooled by Lil’ Duce. He’s a liberal schoolmarm just like the rest, except his business acumen won’t let him support the trillions in giveaways Chief Sitting Bolshevik and the rest are touting. He knows their numbers are literally insane, and he’ll say so, but just because you can count doesn’t make you moderate.

Bloomberg’s platform of “I have a lot of ideas about how you should live your life” may play in the Upper Whatever Side where the peeps we used to call Yuppies live in Manhattan and in similar elite enclaves, but the last four years of populist revolt in the rest of the country have been against just that sort of micro-management of our lives. This is a populist moment, not one for a tiny totalitarian with a list of decrees designed to make us better people.

His money will mess things up for the Dems, which is good. And in the unlikely event he gets coronated at the convention – his plan appears to be to skip all the early primaries in an innovative strategy of getting the nomination without actually having anyone vote for him – there’s a whole massive swathe of Democrats on the left who will stay in their mothers’s basements and dorm rooms in protest instead of going out to vote for Mr. Center Left Establishment. Everything about Bloomberg’s potential candidacy is bad for the Democrats, and the beauty is that you know that no one in the petite tycoon’s bubble will dare tell him that the emperor has no clothes and no chance. He’s a loser, and that’s why we should totally hope he runs.

In just a couple weeks, my fourth action-packed yet hilarious novel of America ripped in half by leftist fascism, Collapse, is going to drop. If you do not suck, you liked People's RepublicIndian Country and/or Wildfire. Continue not sucking with Collapse, and irritate the Never Trump sissy crew at the same time!

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