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Watch Out! Polar Bear Cannibalism Rises on Global Warming!

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Yesterday we learned, to our great joy, that we no longer have to worry about the twin evils of global warming and hurricanes combining to stop Obama’s stimulus plan.

For those of you who missed yesterday’s column, we showed that the not-greedy scientists, who very unlike the Republican bankers who took down the whole housing sector just because they are greedy… well, the scientists anyway demonstrated that hurricanes and global warming are not in any way scientifically or romantically linked.

In a work published in late November on the site for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the chief scientist studying hurricanes in the US concludes that “the overall impact of global warming on hurricanes is currently negligible and likely to remain quite tiny even a century from now.”

Hurray! Finally, some good news.

Previously it was part of the liberal religion that you must say out loud at least several times a week that intense hurricanes have been ravaging the world on account of global warming caused in part by greedy Republican bankers who took down the housing sector because they are greedy, except Warren Buffett and George Soros who aren’t greedy or Republican. 

George and Warren just got really lucky, accidentally.

Like Obama’s friends George Kaiser and Jon Corzine did.

So, anywho… as I was saying, there was great celebration in liberal-land because it turns out that we aren’t having more and worse hurricanes than in the past on account of global warming.

Presumably as a liberal you now no longer have to mindlessly repeat that hurricanes and global warming are linked, which is good news for liberals because: 1) it means we are safer from hurricanes than was presumed in the past; and 2) it wasn’t, you know… true.   

But if anything is certain in life it is this: that once you allocate to scientists federal grant money, they’ll selflessly exert themselves to find out what in the world is wrong with mankind even if they have to spend more and more money every year doing it selflessly!

Those are just the kind of guys scientists are.

So it was unsurprising that after dodging that whole hurricane bullet yesterday scientists revealed- or at least writers who have a website with the word “science” in the name revealed- that there could be an epidemic of polar bear cannibals on account of global warming, which by now, we all know was caused by the global meltdown of the real estate market caused by greedy Republican bankers who are both greedy and Republican.

And there is only one thing worse than polar bear cannibals.

That is…drum-roll… all together now: greedyrepublicanbankers.

So, anywho… as I was saying, this website with the word “science” in it called livescience.com asks the question that we all, at least subconsciously, have been asking ourselves for years: Is Global Warming Driving Polar Bears to Cannibalism?

The answer is: yes, according to people who write about stuff that scientists say on the spur of the moment.

Livescience.com, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Tech Media Network, by its own account, is made up of “science reporters, editors and video producers” who have unimpeachable resumes with academic degrees in studies like Olde English, Arts and Journalism. The journalism degree alone ought to disqualify anyone from writing about anything.   

Well some of these reporters rounded up the scientists who previously miscounted the polar bear population- sparking the theory that polar bear populations had reached the lowest levels ever- and these reporters did a hard hitting story about a new theory these scientists have.

Presumably they are looking for a new theory that can be debunked in ten years after millions in grant money is spent studying the theory in order to fill the hole in the global warming theory now that hurricanes aren’t as scary anymore.

So, anywho… “A new article in the journal Arctic,” writes livescience.com, “suggests that polar bear cannibalism — typically the predation of small bears or cubs by much larger adult males — is either much more commonplace than previously thought, or has lately become more common. In the paper, leading polar bear biologist Ian Stirling and nature photographer Jenny Ross detail three recent instances of the behavior among polar bears in Norway's Svalbard Archipelago, each of which was photographed from the decks of ecotourism and research boats anchored a few hundred yards away.”

And the cause of this eco-outrage? That’s right: global warming. The greedy Republican bankers are implied.

Ok, so Sterling made a mistake by undercounting polar bears by an order of magnitude of five times.

Ok, so he’s postulating a theory on the basis of only three pictures.

So what’s the big deal? It’s not like science needs to be an exact art form. Guessing is an important part of mainstream global warming science that has an honorable tradition going back to traveling carnivals in America. 

But there is one thing that bothers me:

I thought it was more likely that polar bears would team up with “the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires,” than become cannibals.

Polar bears always seemed more like Republicans than liberals to me.

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