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Simplistic Americans Don't Get Obama's Achievements

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

It's a tough time for President Obama. He's worked long and hard at cultivating a nuanced, thinking-man's presidency, and now he's getting praise for shooting a terrorist in the head? What a guttural, simplistic thing to receive acclaim for; it's the sort of thing a NASCAR fan would cheer on. It's like how Sir Alec Guinness received more attention for a few lines he spat out in some B-movie schlock instead of for his more substantial acting rolls. Obama worked long and hard on the millions of jobs he saved and created -- special jobs that only people with advanced economic degrees can see -- but the common man didn’t notice. People want mindless action instead, and now everyone is cheering over some "bad guy" getting shot and barely caring about the respectful, Islamic burial at sea that Obama was much more proud of.


Let's face it: Regular people just don't get the Obama presidency. It's too intellectual for them. Everyone keeps asking why Obama doesn't focus on jobs and the economy and why he won't reduce the budget, but that's like watching an Ingmar Bergman film and asking where are the explosions, CGI effects, and giant robots punching each other. Obama is not about simplistic things like helping the economy -- things any idiot president can do. Instead, his presidency is about much subtler, more nuanced achievements that only those with a keen intellect would perceive. Here are the top ten accomplishments of his presidency so far -- things small minded people who rejoiced in Osama bin Laden's death probably missed:


10. Avoided international embarrassment by making sure the first thing he did whenever he met a monarch was bend over and check his shoelaces.

9. Reduced the efficacy of the nation's pedophiles by making sure fewer of them can afford a creepy van.

8. Gave great prominence to the previously obscure occupation of birth certificate analysis.


7. Solved the problem of there being fewer and fewer people each year with the valuable experience of having lived through the Great Depression.

6. Put together his IKEA desk he got for the Oval Office in a creative, non-standard way that used all but three of the pieces.

5. Helped accelerate our debt towards $100 trillion, at which point all those debt counters should roll over to zero.

4. Made a subtle comment on the futility of trying to control the economy with his absurdist responses of "high-speed rail" and "windmills" to economic concerns.

3. Got America to spend less time in front of the TV by interrupting primetime shows with speeches no one wanted to watch.

2. Came up with a creative solution to rising gas prices by making sure fewer people need to expend gas driving to a job.

1. Demonstrated the pointlessness of wealth by having the government spend trillions of dollars to no noticeable effect.

See, what Obama has achieved for this country is complex and nuanced. If you just want some boring president who will help reduce unemployment and thinks shooting terrorists in the head is an achievement worthy of his intellect, look elsewhere, dullard.


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