In the event that there are more Elliot Rodgers out there that are ready to snap because girls way out of your league won’t respond to your creepy advances; and yet, you’re not completely sold on the murder/suicide option: herewith are eight surefire points to move you back to SaneTown, attract a girl worth loving and officially assimilate out of Wussville and into the rarified air of a combobulated man.
1. Drop the “poor you” crap, especially, if you live in the lap of luxury. Chicks don’t want some puss-n-boots who whines about going over molehills in the Garden of Eden. Play the man if you truly wish to draw the attention of a girl who’s worth her salt. And definitely don’t do videos where you bray to the masses that you’re an unhinged, pitiful ass.
2. Get a vision. Visionaries who want to slay a dragon, save a nation and right a wrong are attractive. Solipsistic me-monkeys are repugnant to people of note. God didn’t call you to be a navel gazer. Go out into the desert and get aligned with your eternal purpose and if for some reason your antenna isn’t picking up on God’s higher calling for you, there’s plenty of things currently bigger than your dipstick life to get involved with that’ll help God and country. Get lost in them and, even if you look like Napoleon Dynamite, your passion will make you a chick magnet.
3. If you really want a girlfriend, then don’t go to Katy Perry concerts unless you’re gay; and if you are gay, then quit bitching about girls not liking you.
4. Sell your Beemer and give the proceeds to a wounded vet that’s currently getting no care from the VA of Obamaland. Be self-sacrificial. It’s the Jesus way. And who knows … maybe your altruistic spirit of giving will land you on TV and boom … instant chicks!
5. Instead of pining like a charter member of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely-Hearts Club Band, use that time to read books and start with the Classics. Girls like leaders and leaders are readers.
6. Spend time with God. Get your identity from Him not culture and certainly not from a chick that roams the Hollywood hills.
7. Embrace rejection and pain. That stuff Elliot squealed about on his video screeds is par for the course for awkward, male teens and twenty-somethings. I was constantly rejected until I pulled my head out of my backside … last year. Rejection and pain is the way of life, hombre. That’s why God created beer.
8. Don’t wish you were someone else. I wasted a lot of time during my early years always wanting to be someone else, and thank God those wishes didn’t come true. With the advent of Facebook I’ve seen how some of those clowns that I looked up to/wanted to be back in high school turned out. Holy crikey, they’re train wrecks. Also, a lot of the girls that I thought I couldn’t live without back in the day morphed into sea-cows. Thank God my prayers weren’t answered back then, eh?
Look, getting rebuffed by hot chicks is the standard for young dorks. It’s the way of the jungle, hoss. Get used to it and get busy bettering yourself and the planet and do us all a favor and shut the heck up.
Finally, please understand that a good dad trains his daughters to avoid lunks like Elliot. We do not teach our daughters to be rude, but we do teach our girls to cudgel off narcissistic crotch rockets and let them know, in no uncertain way, that they aren’t interested in your shallow life if you’re insistent on being a toad.