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Snookipocalypse: The End Has Come

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Many of my Christian brothers believe that the ubiquitous earthquakes, recent tsunamis, violent weather systems and the Middle East uprisings all equate to God getting really ticked and about to run the credits on this failed earth flick. For me, I’m not so certain about this being the end of times and that the Son of God is gearing up to go Ted Nugent on our nation. That was until now.

This past Friday I learned the shocking, apocalyptic news that convinced me that Jehovah is about to unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse upon our nation, that something bad, really bad, is about to happen.

So, what gave me a fright that Jesus might jettison this great land unto the compost heap of failed civilizations, you ask? Was it my realization that there’s a death of faith abroad, or a degeneration of morals and contempt for traditional values, a collapse of culture, a paralysis of national will, and the fact that foreign, America-loathing invaders are not only unopposed but welcomed to our great land?! Nope, it wasn’t even that junk, but I sure just depressed myself.

The thing that made me think that our nation has sunk below an obese, pregnant Dachshund’s tits and has moved to the point of no return was that Snooki, head hooch of the Jersey Shore “reality show” (a show that eclipses its inanity with its vulgarity) got $32,000 for a speaking gig this past week at Rutgers University. 32k, Rutgers? And that would be, Jersey taxpayers, $32,000 from your wallet for college kids to hear this tart blather about bunkum, as the drachmas drummed up to remunerate this dame for services rendered came from Rutgers’ “mandatory student activity fee.”

Well, mom and dad (who are still worth their salt), you now can officially scratch Rutgers off the list of colleges to visit this summer with your high schooler. The kicker in this hellish scenario is that this over-tanned hobbit with the morals of a drunken alley cat and the brainpower of a hockey puck got two grand more than Nobel-winning author Toni Morrison will be getting for her commencement address at Rutgers U later this year. I’ve got two words for this misappropriation of funds: Revelation Eighteen.

Oh, by the way, Snooki advised the ogling undergrads at Rutgers to “study hard, but party harder.” Buh-bye $32,000. Bye-bye.

Snooki, JWoww, and their Guido co-stars are disgusting human train wrecks, veritable carnies in a Cirque de Hades 2.0. These miscreants should be pitied, prayed for and ignored, as they are the worst our country has to offer via TV. The sad fact of the matter is that stacks of tweens watch this crap and take notes while pathetic parents stand by and … blink.

Here are my predictions for the Shore crowd:

1. They’ll catch STDs aplenty: As you can imagine, buying into this sexed-up culture of raunch has caused an insane increase in STDs amongst our nation’s teens. Yep, Mr. & Miss Shore, the reality is that every 24 hours 21,000 teens and tweens are slapped, saddled, infused and infected with some creepy, nasty and potentially deadly bug brought about by following the advice of, well, Snooki. And I’m sure, given your penchants, that all you crotch rockets are in the front of the line to get infected. Woohoo!

2. Rehab: Once the Snooki patrol turns 30 and they’re bloated and look 50, their noses are pickled, their livers have shut down several times, they’ve gotten several DUIs under their belts, and their genitals have more warts than a 12-lb. Chernobyl speckled toad, then these numb nuts will finally enter rehab (on TV of course, and we’ll have to hear them moan to Dr. Drew about how rough they’ve had it destroying your child’s life on their moronic TV show).

3. Suicide: This kind of destructive lifestyle, while looking fun at first (and for Snooki and JWoww very lucrative) historically speaking, rarely, if ever, ends well.

4. They get “converted” and we’ll have to watch them on TBN: You just know that if they “repent” today they’ll be on TBN tomorrow because they already sport the gaudy hairstyles, tanned hides, and outrageous outfits that Paul and Jan parade on their network, and therefore we’ll be punished by hearing their take on Jesus Christ ad nauseam, ad infinitum. We’ll never get rid of them on television. Yep, just add Jesus to the Jersey Shore crowd, and TBN will snatch ‘em right up; they’re an easy slot (and a moneymaking machine for the Lord!). Glory.

Lastly, here’s a little advice for the Jersey Shore schleps to consider between bong hits and “whiskey sex” sessions: How about changing your mantra from GTL (Gym, Tan & Laundry) to GCH, namely, God, Country and Honor? Huh? Not sexy enough? You might not get paid as much or be as “cool” or get $32,000 to bray your asininity on campus via our taxpayers’ dime, but you will become part of our nation’s solution instead of part of its problem, and you sure as heck will help a lot of parents out with their kids by changing your stupid behavior. That said, if you don’t change your song and continue to plow on unimpeded in your dim-witted, self-destructive direction, you might meet an early DHG (i.e. Death, Hell and the Grave) like Anna Nicole Smith and many others.

So, is the exaltation of Snooki in our nation a sign that Satan’s being released from the abyss? Nah, I don’t think so. But it ain’t a good sign, folks, that someone this foul would get any accolades or cash from our culture.

Do something about it, dad, and get my latest book, Raising Righteous & Rowdy Girls. And fathers, don’t let your baby grow up to be Snooki: Righteousrowdygirls.com.

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