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An Apologia For Not Being Apologetic About Hunting

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

I live in the oh-so-sassy city of Miami, Florida, and when I tell people down here that I am a hunter they give me that look a woman gives when she plops down on the toilet when the seat’s up. Y’know what I’m talking about, don’t ‘cha?

They screech, “You hunt? Oh my Gawd!” (Usually followed by putting one hand over their mouth and one hand on their hip, followed by putting both hands on their hips and then to their final resting place in the disapproving arm cross. At least that’s what the guys do).

It’s as if I said I eat live kittens or something. Their gobsmacked, tsk-tsk disapproving stare used to bug me at first, but now I quite enjoy giving the Miami metrosexuals a headache as I revel in the fact that I thoroughly enjoy the sport of kings because it’s such a noble and crucial God-ordained activity.

Hunters, like everything else that is just and good within this wussified, politically correct, bovine scat based culture, are under attack. Hunters are made to feel ashamed of hunting animals by the animal-loving, pro-abortion crowd.

The MSM paints us as a stupid, bloodthirsty brood of line-bred rednecks who get high off death. The reality is that hunting and hunters provide a bazillion times more for our country and planet than the anti-hunting goofs.

For instance, let me make this personal, anti-hunting boys and girls: You salad guys wouldn’t have your veggies to worship and enjoy if it weren’t for hunters. I love the ironic fact that the PETA vegans couldn’t eat their salad or their edamame burger if it weren’t for the blistering truth that farmers/hunters have to shoot animals who are after their crops so that the vapid vegans can smugly eat their eggplant lasagna. I wouldn’t let it bug you now, PETA. Before you eat your salad just drop another tab of acid and forget about the fact that it entailed a farmer putting the bam to Bambi for you to have that spinach.

Not only do hunters protect you ingrates’ precious vegetable grub, but we also provide massive amounts of food for the poor. Unlike you, the liberal blowhard, who talks about helping the poor, many hunters practically do it by giving them food. Imagine that. I know, I know hunters are supposed to be—according to Disney—a calloused cabal; however, the reality is that hunters provide a massive, benevolent source of high-protein, low-fat food to the poor at our own expense. What about your mouthy backside, weepy vegan? I wonder how much food you give to the “poor” in reality. I bet most moist-eyed liberal humanitarians don’t even come close to what little old conservative me and my hunter brethren do.

In addition to defending PETA’s carrots and supplying folks who are down on their luck with high protein, low fat venison, the hunters put their money where their mouth is when it comes to conservation. The yarbling libs and the pusillanimous PETA crowd would love to make us all believe that they are true heroes of nature and that hunters are Dr. Evil to animals and land.

However, if the truth can still be told, it’s the hunter who doles out nearly $300 million a year in special surtaxes on guns, ammo, gear and other outdoor supplies which goes to state conservation programs. The tree humpers don’t pay these taxes, Dinky, the hunters do.

And the list could literally go on and on and on with what hunting and hunters do for the overall well-being of people and places. That’s just a taste of why we suck less than you do, anti-hunters.

It’s time that hunters answer the obstreperous anti-reality police’s blather when it is leveled at our grand group. Yep, sometimes the lies get so egregious that it demands that you, the hunter, pony up and say, “now wait a minute, Mr. Crapmeister . . . you’ve got hunting and hunters all wrong . . .” whenever you hear some clod diss this great sport and what it truly brings to the table of life.

Hunters normally don’t say squat about what they do or why they do it. It’s not so much because they’re ashamed of hunting and want to keep it a secret like John Edwards did his psycho mistress chick. Hunters by and large are a humble crowd and thus keep to themselves, going about their business not really wanting to evangelize folks into their hunting lifestyle—principally because in the field with the hunter, less is more.

However, the more PC-addled our culture gets, the more our nation becomes Nancy-fied, the more traditional values get spit on, the more masculine staples of our time-honored heritage need a 1,000 word column to beat back the jackanapes who jack with a primal way of life, the more informed hunters need to let it rip.

Here’s what you do, hunter: Get Frank Miniter’s book, The Politically Incorrect Guide to Hunting, get the facts, get proud, get an attitude, and if in public or private anyone attacks hunting and hunters, then imagine they’re a three-hundred pound wild boar charging you that has four inch teeth and you have to stop them or they’re going to slice your boys off. Make sure you use words, of course, and not your 30/06.

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