More Jokes about America’s Native Criminal Class

My favorite political jokes tend to be parables, such as using beer to explain the tax system, the PC version of the story about the ant and the grasshopper, the joke about using two cows to explain various economic and political systems, and the modern fable about bureaucracy, featuring an ant and a lion.

But I greatly enjoy the one-liners from the late-night comics, particularly since so many Americans get their news from these sources. Here are my favorites from the past couple of weeks.

Jay Leno

• President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight’s big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?
• Today Newt Gingrich didn’t agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages.
• President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn’t have to apologize for.
• The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay.
• You know who is really against the president’s position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse.
• Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he’s in favor of gay Secret Service agents.
• New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?
• France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered.
• Tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic already.
• Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare.
• The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn’t worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him.
• Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.
• Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country.
• It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.
• President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

Recommended

Trump Finds Brilliant Way to Sidestep Judge Merchan's Unconstitutional Gag Order Sarah Arnold

Advertisement

Conan

• The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.
• Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it.
• Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.
• Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he’s the best.
• A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney.
• Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is “Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.”
• Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards.

David Letterman

• President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he’s going to turn his birth certificate into a musical.
• A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn’t been screwing around with hookers.
• Bring Your Child to Work Day — that’s how we got George W. Bush.
• One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I’m thinking, now wait a minute. I’ve got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars.

Craig Ferguson

• President Obama’s in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says “man of the people” like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken.
• Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people.
• Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco.
• I’m sure both candidates will fall over themselves telling you how much they support public education. Yet neither of them has ever sent any of their kids to a single day of public school. But I’m sure that’s the only area in which they’re a wee bit hypocritical.
• Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss.

Jimmy Kimmel

• President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution.
• After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, “Uh-oh.”
• According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos.

Jimmy Fallon

• Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, “I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it.”
• In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That’s impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme.
• Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.
• Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.
• Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip.

If you like these one-liners, you can read more by clicking here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.