A Labor Day of Love

Posted: Aug 27, 2013 12:01 AM
A Labor Day of Love

As Labor Day quickly approaches, U.S. politicians will be rapidly returning to Washington, D.C., including our illustrious commander-in-chief, who has somehow forgotten that he was once awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, not the Nobel War Prize. 

Indeed, if attention can be diverted from the Middle East, Russia, the NSA, Snowden, budget deficits, and debt ceilings, perhaps a few thoughts can be directed toward a thing called jobs. 

During this most recent Congressional summer recess, I heard a few of our so-called political leaders talking about how we’ve “turned the corner” as they professed that the job market is definitely improving.  Now hear this, now hear this, I have a very special announcement: Believe it or not, I actually agree with our political leaders!  Shocking, isn’t it?  Well, I concur as far as the math is concerned.  Okay, since we’re only ranked 24th in the world in mathematical comprehension, I will attempt to explain the arithmetic. 

We could very well be on the threshold of a nationwide hiring explosion — from Bangor, Maine to Sausalito, California and all parts in between — which will be greatly trumpeted by both the president and the mainstream media.  Here’s how it’ll work. 

Small businesses are in a quandary.  Starting on January 1st of 2014, Obamacare will slice into the already thin margins of small companies.  Working smartly, not only have small businesses already reduced their staffs, they’ve also taken product shrinkage to a new art form by decreasing the amount of product and increasing the volume of air (just visualize a bag of potato chips.)  Moreover, asking for more butter in a restaurant or requesting a pillow on an airplane will cost a few dollars more, just to help keep the margins intact.  In other words, everything that companies could possibly do, has, in fact, already been done. 

If a small company employs 50 people who work 40 hours per week, the employer must pay wages and benefits on 2,000 work hours — thanks to Obamacare.  (Again, because we only rank 24th in math, it’s 50 x 40 = 2,000.)  Assuming the small business was able to meet the Obama hiring challenge by doubling their workforce while keeping the same number of working hours, small companies would eliminate Obamacare, pension programs, 401Ks, and every other benefit possible.  Thus, instead of the employee working a normal 40 hours per week, they would work just 20 hours per week.  But just think of it, for a company with 50 workers, 50 additional people would be hired in the blink of an eye!  As we approach Labor Day, if every small business across the country implemented this same strategy, Obama would certainly grab a very dramatic newspaper headline: “Employment Doubles — Wow!”

Without a doubt, employers would be extremely happy and the administration would be absolutely ecstatic.  Unfortunately, after experiencing a 50% pay cut, employees would soon find themselves wondering how to cover their next rent payment.  Therefore, if this shorter workweek actually happens — oh, wait a minute — the Dallas Fed just announced that “the average employee workweek has collapsed at its fastest pace in two years.”  Yes, folks, it’s already happening. 

Let’s give a warm welcome for our dear friend, Labor Day of 2013. 


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