Donald Trump is the Mohammed Ali of politics. He’s the ultimate showman, the media darling, the headline grabber of our time. He’s the worst enemy of political correctness and the best friend of a talk show’s ratings. Can’t you just see him in colorful boxing shorts, dancing around the ring, raising his arms in victory and taunting the crowd—“I am the greatest!” To prove it, let’s string together some of Ali’s actual ringside statements adjusted to “Trump Speak:”
“I know where I’m going and I know the truth, and I don’t have to be what you want me to be. I’m free to be what I want. I’m rich. I don’t need anyone else’s money. I can’t be bought!
“It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am. My only fault is that I don’t realize how great I really am.
“I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize. People say it’s impossible for me to win. Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men.
“There were so many candidates ranked over me when I started that I couldn’t win on issues. I had to out-media them all by talking and talking some more. When my poll numbers took off, I shocked the world. When I left Jeb Bush in the dust, I shocked the world. I am from the House of Shock! I’m taking off and never coming down. Superman don’t need no seat belt; none of them can hold me down!
“Jeb Bush is nothing. The man needs enthusiasm lessons. And since he’s gonna fight me, he needs falling lessons, cause he’s going to keep falling in the polls. I’ll make him eat his words when he attacks me! That’s right, eat his words! I am the greatest.
“Rubio’s got a pretty face. He even talks pretty. But he doesn’t fight. He’s into shadow boxing, and the shadow wins! If he ever comes out of that shadow, I’ll outwit him, and if he keeps coming, I’ll outhit him.
“That Rick Perry, I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his cowboy hat on.
“Lindsey Graham’s got no chance. He’s so ugly that when he cries over his falling poll numbers, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.
“Hey Walker – I see you! You talk about what you did in Wisconsin; look at Wisconsin now! I’m gonna whup you! Don’t you forget, I am the greatest!
“If you wanna lose your money, bet on that Fiorina woman! She couldn’t beat Barbara Boxer. What makes her think she can out box me. America will give her the same message Hewlett Packard gave her—you are fired!
“Ben Carson should go back to the operating room before I operate on him. His surge is temporary. If he goes toe to toe, I’ll stop him in one.
“Huckabee, go back to Fox News before you lose so bad you can’t get a job. I mean, the Bible is my favorite book, just a few steps above “The Art of the Deal,” but there’s no place for a minister in the White House! Americans don’t want no pie in the sky when they die. They want something here on the ground while they’re still around. That’s what I’ll give them.
“I’m not name calling. I’m just telling you the truth you don’t want to hear. It’s time to bury political correctness. Now, at home, I’m a nice guy. I care more than any of you, but I don’t want the world to know that. Humble people don’t get very far. After all, I’m not bragging if I can back it up.
“I’m not the greatest; I’m the double greatest. Not only will I knock ‘em all out, I’ll pick the round for each of them. They’ll need fifteen moderators at the next debate because there ain’t no one moderator, man or woman, who can keep up with my pace. I’m so fast that last night on the campaign trail, I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
“Yes, I’m the greatest, but I want to make America great again. If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then with me as President, we can sure make something out of you. The silent majority may be silent, but I will do enough talking for all of them! A rooster crows only when it sees the light. Put him in the dark, and he’ll never crow. I have seen the light and when you see it and join me, we’ll be crowing together all the way to the White House!
“I won’t let those pundits and critics seal my fate; they keep hollering I’m arrogant and nothing but fiery rhetoric. They can boo me, yell at me, and throw insults at me, as long as they make me the lead on their shows! They don’t really hurt me none, cause I’m speaking for you! I am America at its best. So get used to me—rich, confident, and cocky. It will be a killer, and a chiller, and a thriller, and you better be believin’ that I’ll be winnin’ in that GOP convention in Clevelin’ … cause I’m the Greatest!”
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