Kurt  Schlichter

It’s clear that liberals like David Plouffe and David Sirota have a moral duty to kill me. And to kill you too.

Plouffe says I’m a traitor, since I support “economic treason.” David Sirota says I’m a “secessionist,” that I support a “coup” leading to the destruction of the Union. This is the kind of mature, carefully-considered insight I’d expect to be tweeted by the “Senior Advisor to the President.” I expect nothing less from a writer at Salon.com, a website that has nearly achieved its goal of tying the page view rankings of its main competitor, NaughtyElderlyCheerleaderAction.org.

These trendsetters have displayed the courage to call us what we are – traitors – so the next obvious step is to take action. We must be stopped. It’s hard to see what choice they have – I, and all those enemies of the state like me, must die.

Now, the tough part is doing it. Since between the two Davids and me, I am the only one of us who swore to give my life to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic,” I’m obligated to help defeat the threat to this nation posed by me and those like me. So listen up, because neither of you defenders of the Constitution has ever served in a war, much less two. On a gun, there’s this long metal tube called the “barrel.” At one end, there’s this hole called the “muzzle.” Now, put that muzzle up to my treasonous forehead and pull that trigger thing.

Do it for your country. You’re the real heroes.

Plouffe can do it. He served at the University of Delaware and did a few tours on Democrat campaigns, so he’s an expert on duty, honor and country. Where is his parade, people?

Sirota can do it. He’s a warrior-scholar in residence at Salon, where he pioneered a hitherto unknown mixed martial art called “Siroting.”

These guys definitely have the stones to defend their country against threats like us. I know I feel safer with them on the job, even though I’m the threat.

There have been a lot of people showing the courage to call us out lately, but it’s the Davids who have gone the extra mile and called us out for what we truly are.

Kurt Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter (Twitter: @KurtSchlichter) was personally recruited to write conservative commentary by Andrew Breitbart. He is a successful Los Angeles trial lawyer, a veteran with a masters in Strategic Studies from the United States Army War College, and a former stand-up comic.