Katie Kieffer

Female, feisty and unemployed? Fear not! Obama will need to hire IRS Girls Gone Wild to replace Lois Lerner.

To secure his legacy and help Democrats win future elections, Obama needs to replace former IRS Director of Exempt Organizations Lois Lerner, his number one Agency Girl Gone Wild. Lois has already been replaced in name since she retired (with full benefits!) on September 23, 2013. But, Obama still needs to find a mini Lois Lerner.

It’s hard to find a replacement for Lois. Who could possibly replicate her trademark trickery? Or her passion for repression? Who could duplicate her talent for exercising shake down efforts on tea party organizations faster than spring breakers can shake their booties?

Obama needs a woman who is willing to email the IRS Commissioner’s Chief of Staff and say: Hey, is there any way we can chat with the Department of Justice and “piece together false statement cases about 501(c)4 applicants who ‘lied’ on their 1024s”? (Thanks to a Judicial Watch Freedom of Information Act Lawsuit filed against the IRS in 2013, we now know Lerner said that.)

Qualifications Needed to Join the IRS Girls Gone WIld:

1.) Must be able to bat your lashes, evade questions and employ your Fifth Amendment rights under pressure.

2.) Poor math skills. For example, the ideal candidate will not know that 75 is exactly one quarter of 300.

3.) Wear stiff, matronly suits so as to appear smart and industrious.

4.) It is helpful to have a lust for power and to derive S&M-like pleasure from shutting down and targeting groups that promote freedom, individualism and the values of America’s founders.

When Lerner carried the big stick at the IRS, it seems it was acceptable for IRS agents to perform their jobs with the professionalism of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke. ABC News reported last week that Oregon resident Vincent Burroughs is persisting with his sexual coercion and invasion of privacy lawsuit against the federal government and IRS agent Dora Abrahamson.

According to Burroughs’s story, Abrahamson had a crush on him. (She was apparently attracted to his hobby of ‘rac[ing] motorcycles.’) Abrahamson was assigned (or assigned herself) to Burroughs when he fell behind on his taxes. She allegedly began sending him flirty texts and then one night she showed up on his doorstep on the pretence of helping him organize his paperwork for the IRS. When he opened the door, she threw on the moves—pushing him back, bombarding him with kisses, and jumping on top of him. It ended up as you can imagine.


Katie Kieffer

Katie Kieffer is the author of a new book published by Random House, LET ME BE CLEAR: Barack Obama’s War on Millennials and One Woman’s Case for Hope.” She writes a weekly column for Townhall.com. She also runs KatieKieffer.com.