Katie Kieffer

Here are twelve comical but true resolutions that every liberal should make for 2013:

1.) Resolve to spend time with gun-owners. I have a liberal friend who says she would rather be in the same room as a cobra snake than a gun, even an unloaded gun. Guns really, really scare her. But guns don’t kill. People kill. Whether the tool is a gun or a knife or a baseball bat, unconscionable people kill, not the inanimate objects in their hands.

Banning all tools and machinery will not turn bad people into good people. Doing so would make us more vulnerable to attack and throw us back into the Stone Age. We need guns for self-defense; we need knives for cutting; we need bats to play baseball.

Whose house would you rather stay at in a shady neighborhood? A gun-owner’s house, where you can rest assured that there is a tool locked up in a safe that someone knows how to use to protect you if an intruder comes in the middle of the night? Or, a house without a gun?

By spending time around gun-owners, I think liberals will realize that owning a gun, a knife or a baseball bat will not turn you into a mass murderer. But a sick conscience or a mental illness can.

David Nathan, a doctoral candidate in counseling psychology at the University of Saint Thomas, points out: “No one has the power to keep guns away from everyone who would use them on innocent people. …Every single young man who committed mass murder over the past few years had a mental illness. We will never know what would have happened if someone had reached out to them [with counseling or friendship] before they acted.”

I think liberals will realize that guns are tools of self-defense and that banning guns will not eliminate murder when they get comfortable around guns and the people who legally possess them.

2.) Resolve to stop watching Rachel Maddow. Her negative attitude is ruining your day and you do not even realize it. At a minimum, admit that her show is rooted in hyperbole and not real news.

3.) Resolve to eat a real hamburger. Just one. If you prefer, choose a burger from free-range cattle. I guarantee it won’t kill you; it will leave you feeling full for once.

4.) Resolve to admit that the TSA scanners are carcinogenic. You attend to your body with bike helmets, yoga and organic produce. And then you negate your efforts by walking through the TSA scanners. Admit it: scanners are not keeping you safe and they are a hazard to your health.

Katie Kieffer

Katie Kieffer is the author of a new book published by Random House, LET ME BE CLEAR: Barack Obama’s War on Millennials and One Woman’s Case for Hope.” She writes a weekly column for Townhall.com. She also runs KatieKieffer.com.