Doug Giles

Independent sassy ladies, make way for Obama’s government dependent gal … Julia! For the double X chromosomes who’ve yet to meet Julia, she’s Obama’s dream girl: a needy chick who’s beholden to big government from her wee little diapers to her ginormous adult Depends. And I thought conservatives hated women?

Now, before I continue to bash Obama’s dreamland for the ladies, who in God’s name came up with the name “Julia”? That’s way too white of a name for We the Touchy. BHO’s gang should have just named her Cassandra Caucasian or Whitney Whiteywhite.

Julia Roberts, Julia Child, Julia Stiles, Julia Mancuso and Julia Gulia from the Wedding Singer—all white chicks. Hello. I cry foul. No, I cry racism! OccupyJulia! We should protest Obama’s damsel in distress campaign until they change the protagonist’s name.

Julia? Puh-lease. The name Julia should be banned like the term “illegal alien” because it represents uppity white capitalistic women. 99% of women aren’t named Julia, are they? Huh? Can’t you see, people? We are the 99%.

I’m not a woman, but I do like Sandra Bullock movies. She’s a hoot. But if I were a woman, I would not be thrilled but rather chilled by the step-n-fetch good dog future Obama foresees for my life. From this cartoon lady it appears as if our president has a low view of you girls being able to get on in life without big daddy gov helping you poor little lasses out. Hey, feminists, does this not piss you off?

Oh, and by the way: You think it’s miserable being married to a shiftless male toad? Just wait ‘til you say “I do” to the government for protection and provision. Ahahahaha! I promise you that’ll be more tedious than listening to Celine Dion speed yodel. Imagine being married to the Department of Motor Vehicles or the United States Post Office. Oh, and one more thing: Free candy ain’t free. You owe them.

Whatever happened to the Charlie’s Angels type of girls our culture used to uphold—independent, sharp, solid and smart women? I guess with Obama’s Julia we’re going to have to have Destiny’s Child regroup and reword their hit theme song to the 2000 Angels flick. Matter of fact, in honor of Julia we should change Destiny’s Child’s name to Dependency’s Child and the song from “Independent Woman” to “Dependent Woman.” Here are some of my lyrical suggestions:

“Dependent Woman”©

To be sung to the tune of the Destiny’s Child song, “Independent Woman.”

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.