So, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I have decided to demand the following from the university:

1. A Jesus Freak Resource Center. Clearly, we need a Jesus Freak Resource Center where we can avoid being referred to as dumb (offensive term deleted) Jesus freaks – when, in reality, we are only Jesus freaks. The blacks have their own center and they aren’t ever referred to as (offensive term deleted) unless they are talking to each other.

2. A Special Frank Turek Jesus Freak Lecture. I am asking Frank to come back next semester and I will submit a request to the university to help advertise his lecture. I will keep asking him back every semester until the university stops losing my emails.

3. Mandatory Attendance at #2. When I asked the crowd at Frank’s lecture on March 24th “How many of you are professors at UNCW?” only one (business professor) raised his hand. One professor out of 500 is pretty pathetic. So I’m going to ask that attendance at the next Turek lecture be made mandatory. We can start by making it mandatory for all the professors who make their students attend speeches and plays about vaginas. Maybe we’ll just make it mandatory for feminists, or “wo-mandatory.”

4. A Jesus Freak Resource Center Website. We’re demanding our own website so we can post contact information for Life Line Pregnancy Center. The Women’s Resource Center has been losing their emails (asking to be posted next to Planned Parenthood) for six years.

5. A Jesus Freak Hate Rock. We want Rosemary DePaolo to paint “f*** you, I bet you dont believe evolution either. How about you and your dumb f****** jesus freak friends go fall down some stairs” on a big rock outside her luxurious mansion. Then she can have illegal aliens spray paint over it to show that UNCW is committed to eradicating actual hate speech not just fake hate speech. Then, the illegal aliens can paint graffiti (in Spanish) on the side of Rosemary’s mansion to show that commitment to diversity is about more than just patronizing (oops!, I mean, matronizing) black people.

I look forward to hearing back from you, President Bowles. As head of the entire UNC system, I know you won’t let us down. As a matter of principle we need to end hate speech against Jesus freaks now. But, more importantly, I think Jesus freaks are victims entitled to lots of free stuff.

Dr. Adams invites you to sign up (http://dradams.org/email_signup.html) for his newsletter – cause being that the stuff he sends out is free!