President Trump's new budget proposal creates a new cabinet level agency with billions in initial funding for gun training, individual gun purchase grants, and support for groups like the National Rifle Association, Gun Owners of America, and similar state-based gun groups.
“This is going to be huge,” Trump said when describing the new program aimed at supplementing gun ownership across America. “For too long Americans have had to pay for expensive ammunition, training, equipment and even their own guns. Not anymore,” Trump added.
The new agency will be called The Second Amendment Security Agency, or SASA. Although the exact details are unknown, the general purpose of the agency will be to supplement and support gun ownership from a federal level. It will operate like the Department of Education, Department of Agriculture, Department of Transportation, and Health and Human Services.
“I don’t see why it should be a problem since none of these agencies are in the Constitution either,” said White House Spokesman Sean Spicer. “What’s the big deal? If you think about it the DOT provides roads, HHS provides housing, why shouldn’t SASA provide guns and places to shoot?” Spicer added.
“Unlike these others, at least the right to keep and bear arms is actually mentioned in the Constitution,” Spicer quipped during a contentious press conference. “If we can find the right to fund healthcare or an abortion in the document, then we sure as heck can find a reason to fund gun ownership,” he added.
“We’re thrilled,” said Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association. “For too long, gun owners alone have borne the high cost of firearms, ammunition and training,” he stated.
While the details are still emerging, in the beginning, the agency will block grant targeted funding to organizations like the NRA putting money where it is really needed and used immediately for "shovel ready" programs. As the agency grows, more and more government workers will be hired to oversee vital programs. Other government agencies like the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives will be folded into the new agency.
Much like the Department of Agriculture oversees welfare programs like Women Infants and Children program (WIC) and Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program (SNAP), SASA will take on areas like tobacco and alcohol that also have little or nothing to do with their overall mission and purpose. While lawmakers acknowledge that the new agency will increase bureaucratic red tape and unnecessary expenditures, it has been determined that the "positive juju" benefiting shooting sports enthusiasts, hunters and those looking to bolster their personal self-defense outweighs any negative impacts.
Unsubstantiated rumors have suggested Sarah Palin or Ted Nugent are being considered to head the agency. Other names rumored to be in the running include Sheriff David Clarke and NRA’s Chris Cox.
The National Association for Gun Safety, (NAGS) spokesman could not be reached for comment. Anti-gun groups are already organizing safe spaces, non-violent marches and sit ins to express their outrage.
“I just want to cry,” said Berkley communications major, Sunshine Meadows. “It really makes me sad. Like it all seems as if it’s one big April Fool’s joke. Like I’m just so sad, like really, really sad.”
Editor's Note: April Fools! This is satire. The quotes, agencies, and several groups are not real. This piece is meant solely for entertainment purposes and is in no way reporting any actual facts.