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Forget Santa! Obama's Coming to Town

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Forget about Christmas! Obama is coming to Washington and a $500-700 billion stimulus package is going to be wrapped and ready for passage! With the Bush administration's help, financial institutions are already getting their funds. The auto industry is next in line, and with more money for the taking, cities, states, companies and citizens are lining up to compete for a share of the pie!


Why should you be left out! You too should be able to grab your share from Santa’s bag! Here are ten sure-fire tips on how you can be bailed out of your debt. Hit-or-miss approaches aren't sufficient. This is your sure-fire strategy to join the coming Barack Obama gravy train.

1. If you want God to speak to you through a lottery, you have to buy a ticket. If you want an Obama bailout, you have to get in line! Don't wait until there’s no money left in Washington. As always, the early bird gets the worm…and the federal money! Start complaining now!

2. Now, if you want a handout, you can't be working! Quiting sounds extreme, but, with any luck, this bailout could pay better! The unemployed move to the front of the line, and you certainly don't want to be one of the working fools who will be stuck paying the tab!

3. To build a good case, stop paying your mortgage! You can't claim poverty when you're up-to-date on your house payments. Why should you be paying your full payment when, with a little pending foreclosure embellishment, you can get your mortgage renegotiated and have the government pay the difference.

4. Start weaving "hope," "change" and "middle class" into your vocabulary to help you connect with the Obama people you'll have to win over along the way. Put a smiley face at the bottom of all your forms with the statement—"Obama is the change we can finally believe in; he's our hope for the middle class to share in the American Dream!"


5. It shouldn't matter, but contributing to Obama's campaign can't hurt. Don't worry; no matter who you voted for, you contributed! The financial industry was the number one source of funds for Obama's campaign. Since your tax money has funded their bailout, you and I are part owners of the preferred stock the government got in return. So, let them know, as a contributor, you expect better treatment.

6. If your case is a bit flimsy, add a tear or two to your interviews. Democrats value emotion over reason. Don't lose control; you want funds, not pity! Just let them know that the funds you set aside for your children's education is gone. OK, so you only had $10 in savings, but it is gone! It's the old "baby needs shoes" gambit, but now baby needs shoes, healthcare, preschool and a college education fund! If you don't ask, you don't get!

7. Throw in a little environmental sensitivity. Let them know that because of the recession, you can't afford your organically grown vegetables. Tell them your limited budget has forced you to feed your children hamburgers! Let them know that you're losing sleep over the fact that your purchase of such animal products is contributing to America's growing carbon footprint and to the increase in cow flatulents in the atmosphere. Just keep saying, "You don't want to do anything to make global warming worse!"


8. Express your joy that a black American of mixed race has finally been elected President. Let them know that your family's mixed ancestry need no longer be an embarrassment, but a badge of honor. They'll be too uncomfortable to ask you what that means, and it just might earn you affirmative action consideration. With any luck, there might be a mule and 40 acres of land in your future!

9. Mention that in coming across the border as a child, you never realized what a great country America really was. Enough said. You certainly went over some border somewhere, and America always looks better in comparison. Just know that if they suspect that you might be an illegal immigrant, they'll give you anything you want. Don't risk a bad Spanish accent; just say that you're so glad your family made you learn "good English!"

10. Now, if you're feeling guilty about any part of this strategy, don't worry! Ethics are all relative, and you can’t let doubts about your integrity and character get in the way of your needs. Besides, self-reliance is overrated, and the work-ethic requires work! Remember, it takes a village-a village of givers and takers! Be the best taker you can be and be proud of it. After all, the rich probably cheated to get their money, and now it's your turn to get yours!


With these helpful hints, you're sure to move to the front of the line. Getting something for nothing will feel good for awhile. On the surface, people will pretend to care about you. You'll get funds, no respect and a lot of government interference in your life. But don't let petty gossip and loss of liberty get in your way. A final note: The Surgeon General warns that using these tips may be hazardous to your career, mental and spiritual health and a disaster to the country you love.

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