State of the Union Agonistes

Shawn Mitchell
|
Posted: Jan 21, 2015 12:01 AM
State of the Union Agonistes

I don't think I can do it.

Every year of this presidential occupation I've snark blogged the State of the Union with my pained howls, retorts, parodies, and rebuttals.

But this year, after America has spoken so decisively, and the First Occupant flipped us the bird then proceeded apace, and the media, instead of blasting his tone deaf rejection of public will, trumpeted huzzas to the audacity of the Comeback Communist, I just don't think I can stomach an hour of his sugared, authoritarian demagoguery.

So let me anticipatorily summarize the One’s 70 minutes:

"My fellow Americans, when your tingling legs were cheering the Harvard educated African American who in the words of Joe Biden was clean and articulate, and in the words of Harry Reid spoke no Negro dialect, unless I want to...while you were dazzled by the media's blocking for my anti-American upbringing, my anti-American terrorist pals and pastors, and my anti-constitutional votes and statements, David Brooks was quivering for my perfectly creased pants and Peggy Noonan was swooning for my sober and judicious baritone, I promised you something!!

"I promised you that I meant to fundamentally transform the United States of America!!!"

“My smooth demeanor fooled your dumbass low info friends and all my high brow, useful idiot backers, like some of the aforementioned, and many, many more. And as to you who were not fooled, well, as soon as possible, my IRS and other buddies hunted you down like rabid dogs and hit you with "behavior changing" questionaires, demand for documents, and the occasional corporate raid and shake down. And we began the serious work of transformation.

My message has been consistent…as a candidate, in my first inaugural, second inaugural, and in every major pronouncement since: For your own good and social and global justice, I'm going to govern the hell out of you!!!

When my program failed and reactionary forces created a setback in 2010, I didn't flinch, I redoubled: I'm going to govern the hell out of you until morale improves!!!

With the help of my grim and determined friends in the executive branch (and no conflict of interest at all) who attacked and muzzled my enemies, and my poodles—uh, I mean friends—in the media, I demagogued, hounded, persecuted all those who would speak, agitate, or contribute against me, I demonized success in the private sector, while professing belief in free enterprise, and, Allahu Akbar, the American people gave me a resounding 5 point victory!!

When my grandest designs proved a disgraceful, incompetent failure, and my foreign adventures proved a bloody massacre and setback at the cost of the blood of many, many thousands, as well as American global stature, I counted again on my poodle friends with pens and microphones to protect me and sing my transformative song. It is good to be Sultan. It is good to have the court and jesters on your side.

And when the peasants didn't appreciate my brilliant designs, and expressed popular will to change my program, I told them to go to hell: this Chicago Community Organizer is not for turning.

And so, my friends, tonight, the state of the Union is good for Chicago hustlers and Crony clingers. Rest assured, your untold billions of tax dollars are going to good purposes that I sprinkle on my leftist friends and supporters.

And tonight, I say to my Republican friends piss off! Wait, I mean, “compromise” and do it my way, or piss off. Also, I announce hundreds of billions of more free candy that I intend to bestow upon my favored causes, supporters, sycophants and voters. (I'd say “upon the poor,” but it's getting kind of embarrassing that my agenda somehow obviously always benefits the already rich). Also, I announce hundreds of billions more in taxes on the dirty rich (even though billionaires overwhelmingly support MOI !!)

Thank you. And Allah bless America.