Late Friday morning of last week, I got interrupted by a call from Katie Pavlich. It's not like I was working - I haven't worked on a Friday morning since I got tenure back in 1998. It's just that I was cleaning one of my favorite .44 magnums and didn't want to be disturbed at that particular moment. Nonetheless, Katie was having some problems with the folks at UNC - Chapel Hill and she needed some help. So I put down my Smith and Wesson and gave her my best advice.
For those who haven't yet heard, Katie was invited by the College Republicans to speak at UNC-CH. But the folks in student government said she was "non-intellectual" and had "no value" as a speaker. So they refused to fund her speech and gave it to some feminists and anarchists instead. (Please pardon any redundancy in that last sentence).
Although Katie contacted me for support, I had to be honest with her. I agree with the UNC-CH student government. Katie is a non-intellectual with no value as a speaker. Furthermore, the funding debacle at UNC-CH is entirely her fault. If Katie knew anything about the UNC system, she could have taken any number of measures to ensure full funding of her event. I shared a number of examples with Katie. Just in case you're a conservative woman seeking an audience at UNC-CH, I'm sharing these tips with you, free of charge.
- Dress up as a six foot vagina. A few years ago at Appalachian State, which is in the UNC system, a feminist at the Women's Center went parading across campus dressed in a six foot tall vagina costume. She and her fellow feminists managed to get funding for The Vagina Monologues. They were also allowed to advertise for it with the giant vagina costume. Katie could have borrowed that costume and even given her speech wearing it. She would have looked every bit as intellectual as an Appalachian State feminist. Then, the UNC system would have funded her speech in a heartbeat. Sometimes appropriate business attire really makes a difference. This is especially true when you want to come across as a true intellectual.
On a side note, UNCW Feminists also managed to get funding to sell little vagina-shaped lollipops when they put on the Vagina Monologues. If Katie were to put in a request to sell these p*ssy pops (that is what they actually called them) at her speech, then she would likely get full funding. It's not a truly intellectually stimulating event unless feminists are walking around licking sugar-coated treats that look like genitalia.
- Drop your guns and celebrate "kick ass" feminism. Katie needs to get off of this gun kick. Last year, one of my feminist colleagues, Donna King, published a book called Men Who Hate Women: And the Women Who Kick Their Asses. In it, she advanced the concept of "kick ass feminism." One of the chapters in her book praised a feminist in a Stieg Larsson novel who retaliated against a man who had previously raped her. She accomplished the retaliation by finding him, tying him up, and then shoving metal objects up his rectum.Clearly, Katie's ideas about preventing violence via lawful gun possession are anti-intellectual, even if supported by the work of scholars like John Lott. If Katie wants to be a true intellectual, she needs to renounce guns and convince women to wait until after they are raped to deal with the rapist via vigilantism. No need for guns. All you need is a little rope and a few metal objects to shove up the rapist's rectum once he's safely bounded and gagged. If a feminist intellectual recommends a vigilante course of action, you know it has to be sound. Plus, the word "vigilante" sounds similar to vagina. And that's always reassuring.
- Tell UNC feminists that some handguns can also be used as sex toys. A few years ago, UNC Chapel Hill decided that "orgasm awareness week" was of enough intellectual value to merit funding from the university. In fact, they built a temporary vibrator museum right there in the middle of the campus. I told Katie that she should just tell campus feminists that they don't have to be afraid of handguns. Tying it into sex (please, no bondage jokes) is a sure way to win over the hearts and minds of sex crazed, I mean, intellectually gifted UNC feminists. Tell them the guns can also be used as sex toys and you'll get full funding. Tell them that guns can also be used to perform late term abortions (4th trimester and beyond) and they'll make you director of the Women's Center.
- Dress up as a gorilla and throw bananas at the audience. A few years ago, our women's center paid for a group called the Gorilla Girls to come to campus. They were some serious intellectuals. They dressed up in gorilla costumes and threw bananas at audience members. I told Katie she should emulate them. Put on a gorilla outfit and throw bananas at students who are there earning extra credit. Hit them in the face with those bananas. I mean, knock the crap out of them. Hit them hard enough and they'll start to agree that they need to be armed with handguns to protect themselves from assault and battery.
- Stop wearing makeup and shaving your arm pits. I know she's never heard this before but Katie is not ugly. And that's a serious problem for her. These UNC feminists are tough on good looking women. They have a real disdain for makeup and razor blades. If Katie started looking a little more like a French foreign exchange student then she might be taken more seriously by the UNC feminists. In a nutshell, when a woman dresses and carries herself like Katie Pavlich, bad things are bound to happen. She really brought the whole thing on herself and should have sought my advice much sooner. If she had, she would be rubbing elbows with Gorilla Girls and making a down payment on her first private jet.
In all seriousness, I believe it’s time for UNC-CH to stop holding itself out as an institution interested in achieving intellectual diversity through the free and open exchange of ideas. And it's past time to get rid of its official motto, Lux Libertas.
How about Collis Hypocrisi instead?