My Plan for Eliminating School Shootings

As a candidate for president of the United States, it is incumbent on me to make a statement regarding the Sandy Hook massacre and to explain how my policies would help prevent other such massacres should I become president. As I discuss this sensitive topic, it is also incumbent on me to sound more rational and articulate than the incumbent. That will not be difficult.
 
As president, I plan to attack the issue in two ways. First, I will use the bully pulpit to influence voters and state lawmakers. Second, I will take direct action to influence the federal judiciary.
 
Plan A is to try to persuade states to replace teacher certification with CCW permit certification. We all know that the teacher certification process is a racket. It just means taking more classes from "education" professors who lack substantive knowledge in any specific area of expertise. So instead of having a college degree and teacher certification, I believe that states should make teachers have a college degree and a concealed weapons permit. This will pay off in three distinct ways if states also change their laws to allow those with permits to carry on campus.
 
1. Reduced violence. First and foremost, concealed weapons permits decrease violence. The rationale is simple if we consider that crime only happens when a motivated offender encounters a suitable target in the absence of a capable guardian. Everyone knows that the gunless are suitable targets for violent crime. This is particularly the case when there is no one around to guard them.
 
So my plan will turn these teachers into capable guardians. I really think everyone will benefit when teachers stop taking "social justice in the classroom" and other silly education classes in order to be certified to teach our kids. Simply put, there can be no social justice when children are being slaughtered in the schoolhouse.
 
2. More male teachers (and fewer metrosexual students). Some have suggested that most female teachers would not feel comfortable around guns. So they might be deterred from teaching if they have to go through weapons certification, which requires firing a weapon. This is not a problem as far as I am concerned.
 
For far too long, men have been grossly underrepresented in the teaching profession. This has had a profound impact on young men. From kindergarten to high school graduation, they are too often in the position of trying to please a female authority figure. This lack of balance affects their relationships with both women and men. A constant concern with pleasing women eventually turns a man into a woman. That is why we have so many young adult metrosexual males talking about their feelings.
 
Simply put, having gun toting male role models in the classroom will be good. Having your student taught by Ted Nugent just might keep him from becoming Ted Baxter.
 
3. Fewer liberals in the teaching profession. For years, conservatives have been looking for a cure to the problem of liberal indoctrination in our schools. You are reading the solution right now. Clearly, most liberals would rather be unemployed than to have to touch a weapon. The weapon is a reminder of the fallen of nature of man. Liberals know that if man is not good, then liberalism is wrong.
 
Liberals who care enough about liberalism to teach it for a living would rather be dead than wrong. Some might say I'm dead wrong about this one. Actually, I am alive and I am right. And you know it. That's why I'm going to be your next president.
 
Plan B: Speaking of the presidency, I will be tasked with choosing judges when I become president. When I do, there will be a Roe v. Wade litmus test. This will indirectly affect violence toward children in two distinct but interrelated ways.
 
1. Creating a culture of life in the long term. Liberal politicians like to pretend that they care about dead children - especially after a school shooting occurs. The very day some lunatic kills twenty children in a school shooting, liberals are right there on television lobbying for stricter gun control measures. The very next day they are lobbying to preserve abortion rights - even though the procedure kills 3000 innocent children daily. We seldom give much thought to the hypocrisy - even though the unborn child dismembered with a scalpel is every bit as human as the kindergartner shot with a gun.
 
We did not get this calloused overnight. And our hearts will not be softened overnight. It will take years of decisions by judges who understand that no innocent child deserves to die - not even if his dad was a rapist. My judicial appointments will all be sworn to uphold life. There will be no diversity or tolerance on this issue during my administration.
 
2. The Roe litmus test immediately filters out anti second amendment judges. Have you ever noticed that people who think professional wrestling is real are the same people who think the moon landing was fake? Similarly, judges who believe the word "abortion" is written in the constitution are the same ones who cannot see the word "arms" written in the constitution. By filtering out pro abortion judges, we will also filter out pro gun control judges.
 
Forgive me if my response to the recent school shootings is terse or if my approach to reducing them seems simple. In some ways, the issue is very simple. But turning the tide on the problem of school shootings will require patience and resolve. With most politicians, that’s where things get complicated. But I plan to keep shooting straight with you, no matter how unpopular my policies may be.
 
In a nutshell, I believe that effective gun control means shooting with both hands on your weapon. It doesn't mean tying the hands of capable guardians and turning innocent children into suitable targets for motivated offenders.