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Time for America to Roll Back Its Borders

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Dear President Obama:

I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request. Actually, it is a series of requests. First and foremost, I will be asking that you return America to its August 20th, 1959 borders so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a citizen. I make this request because I don’t like your policies and I don’t like you. If I sound like I’m asking for too much just be patient. I’m only getting started.

I am also asking that you sell the State of Washington to the Canadians. I’ve only been to Washington twice – once to Seattle and once to Spokane. The former was full of liberals and the latter was full of the most aggressive panhandlers I’ve ever seen. It rained on both of my trips to Washington and I really have no use for rainy places.

Probably the main reason I want you to sell Washington to the Canadians is that I want you to do the same with Oregon. I am hoping we can blaze a new Oregon Trail all the way up to Canada because, let’s face it, the state is full of socialists who need good health care. And, speaking of blazing, we need to get rid of all those pot smokers, too. They sure do burn a lot of weed for people who think they are environmentalists.

California is a no-brainer. We can significantly cut the national debt by getting rid of the Golden State. Plus, we could get rid of Nancy Pelosi and, more importantly, all the fruitcakes who elected her. I think we should just give California to Mexico. It’s only worth a few pesos and the Mexicans almost control it already. (Oh, wait, I meant to say Mexican-Americans!).

Maine needs to go, too. Even their Republicans act like Democrats. They don’t even have any professional sports teams. We should sell them to Canada as soon as possible.

New Hampshire has to be sold to Canada, too. I’m tired of these guys choosing our presidents. Plus, New Hampshire is full of Democrats who own guns. That kind of scares me. They might hurt themselves so I say we should make them a part of a nation that has excellent health care.

Of course, we need to make Vermont a part of Canada, too. Do you really need to ask why? Two words: Howard Dean.

I can hardly wait to get rid of Massachusetts. I think a lot of the Kennedys. In fact, several of the young Kennedy men would make great Canadian Prime Ministers – assuming they could find a campaign issue unrelated to national health care. Best of all, the Boston Red Sox would no longer be able to claim they are actually America’s team. We all know that title belongs to the New York Yankees.

Rhode Island also needs to go to Canada. It never really was a state. It’s just a suburb of Boston. Besides, there are too many Rhode Island Red Sox fans for my taste.

Getting rid of Connecticut is also a no-brainer. They haven’t voted Republican in years. I have no use for any state that could re-elect Christopher Dodd.

We need to make New Jersey a part of the Canadian package, too. You don’t really need to ask why, do you? Two words: Jersey Shore. (Imagine some of those guys trying to buy steroids on the national health plan up in Canada. Now that’s a Situation!).

Finally, we need to turn over Delaware to the Canadians. If we’re going to get rid of you, Mr. President, then we need to get rid of the Vice-President, too. Can you just imagine Joe Biden using the line about you being pretty clean and articulate for a black guy? If he repeats that line as a Canadian citizen they will convict him of a hate crime!

In my leaner – and admittedly meaner – 38-state America one thing is certain: We will never again elect a Democratic president.

You might think I am a) arrogant for asking you to reduce the size of your nation merely to accommodate my political goals. Or you might think I am b) a racist for making such a request. You might even think I am c) a sociopath who is losing touch with reality. But the true answer is probably d) all of the above.

In short, Mr. President, we need to reconsider the way we treat our friends. Our enemies might be inspired by our example.

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